This is a really great point that I wrestled with.
I think you have to remind yourself that sometimes, everyone gets so busy and caught up doing the work that they forget these other parts. Would it have been better to do this proactively? Sure. But I think you can find some empathy when you imagine yourself on the other side of the table.
First, I find this happens to me when I get busy. The key is doing the work "for me" before the work "for others". Wait up earlier and make my work matter.
Second, I used to get up from my desk where I met clients, and literally sit on the other side to write out what needed to change. And then I would get up and go back to the first side and get to it. That mental shift of looking the other way was very useful.
One thing that helped me get past this feeling was looking around at other desks and realizing that either a. no one cares what you are doing because they are too busy working on their own stuff or b. half the office is watching youtube anyway.
A lot of things will fall through the cracks if people don't pick up.
Professionals are not hourly workers, you're not there to do A->B, you're there to deal with the complexity, which means picking up pieces.
That said - you definitely do not have to worry about stuff. A healthy sense of detachment is actually kind of good for both you and your employer.
Your job is a civic responsibility, it's frankly moral to do a 'good job' - but that doesn't mean 'over striving', it doesn't mean 'being taken advantage of' and it doesn't mean having to worry about the bigger picture. That's definitely not your job.
I think a lot of people could be just as productive if they figured out the emotional strain part.
One little trick is to say to yourself 'I Don't Care' - but then go in the office, and put one foot in front of the other, and just get whatever is in front of you done. It's weirdly liberating and can be productive.
Like 'corporate mindfulness' - be present in the thing that you're trying to do - and not caught up in the giant hill of politics, bits and pieces, it's just noise.
I'm in the exact same phase of life as you. Same age, mortgage, kids, wife, etc.
Recently I've been feeling distracted at work and unable to commit anything to completion, especially since I've been WFH since you-know-when. It's been a blessing to not have a commute but at the same time demands more of my concentration. At the same time, I have a hard time saying no at work. Throughout the day I tend to flit between tasks, along with starting/stopping work altogether as my mind wanders.
I like the message this article brings. One thing I definitely don't do is think about things I've completed.
I've talked to a counselor about this. They've gotten me to think about being more graceful to myself about my concentration and my work. I don't know if I'm there yet but we'll see.
It's easy to disconnect the work from yourself if there are circumstances outside of yourself, like an unrealistic deadline. But your mood or level of experience (examples you gave) seem exactly the sort of thing that someone could use to blame themselves...
Oh boy, the recency effect section definitely called me out. I often feel like a line cook taking orders, and I know it's led me to feeling burned out in the past. Good reminder to be more judicial with what lands at my feet.
The even bigger piece of wisdom I probably need to follow here is in paying attention to my subconscious. I think I'll often feel bad for leaving something untouched or half finished, but coming back and getting space away from things you don't want to do really does give you either time to rejuvenate or clarity on what to do better.
Hi - I had similar experiences to you, but an old boss pulled me aside explained everything. For context, I was not doing great at work, I was missing deadlines, would get accounts confused, etc. While I was getting chewed out, he rattled off all the relevant numbers/structures/people for all the things I was missing. He told me he knew I didn’t care about my job because I couldn’t remember the details of my job. If I cared about it, I would know the details. Yet, when it came to the things I actually cared about (computers, video games, movies), I could list off of every minute detail. The framework of “you only remember the things you care about” helped me understand why I was dropping the ball in life and ultimately led to a happier life. I stopped doing some things I clearly didn’t care for and started doing more of the stuff I remembered more easily. The real kicker was that I also able to change the things I cared about. Work got much better a few weeks after that chat. I also got very good at remembering names because I started caring about others more deeply.
I hope you see parts of yourself in my story. You’re clearly a talented and smart individual - it’s never too late to turn things around.
Did you at least still participated in social media and such, or it was literally just work?
If it was just work, do you now think it was a good idea to ignore everything in life except work?
I.e., you thought you didn’t need those things and you actually didn’t need those things, vs. you needed them but you thought you didn’t and it caught up with you eventually.
This is so important and thank you for being so open.
You are right - it's very easy to feel like things are normal if you think you are making progress or eventually complete the task. If the task could have been done with 10% of the time/effort, you may not even know.
Something I found works for me is trying to be transparent about what is going on in general. Like I'll over share a bit of what I am working on and how I am thinking about it. If I am really fucked up in my thinking, usually someone says something.
I'm not sure the author will ever read this, but I am also a PhD student, have been one for far too long, and in the past have struggled with similar `time management' issues, though I'm not sure that's really the problem.
As time passes, especially when things go wrong, projects and writing become very emotional. Having memories of looking at something a few years ago and looking at it again a few years later to try to resubmit it tends to trigger guilt, anger etc in me. I've found some strategies to help me, because I'm close to finishing and think the marginal benefit/marginal cost makes sense (benefit is large, finish your phd in 2 years, 1 year, 6 months, depends on where you are).
One tool I use to help me work even when I'm not feeling it is Focusmate (google it). I've found that sometimes, working out my issues is useful , but sometimes the emotions are overpowering and no amount of working them out will make me not regret something. That used to make me stop. Nowadays if I use Focusmate, I tend to think less of such `large picture' issues and instead work on just a little bit, and get a little done. then after a day, a get more done, and so on. I do sometimes get upset and avoid it altogether, but I'm definitely much better at `time management' this way. Also, I don't want to leave a focusmate in the middle of a session, i just need to stick around 25 minutes, and the feelings can pass and i can even enjoy some of the craft of the specific thing I'm doing. I hope it helps someone.
That was a great read. I think the most important thing is letting go when stressful problems become a danger to your health. Just think "I'm not that important in the grand scheme of things" and take a few steps away from the problem (obviously that's not always possible, but it's more often possible than people think). What will happen is the following:
- Maybe you're right, and things go on nicely without you
- Maybe things go not so well, so your coworkers have to learn redundancy and that they cannot pile all the problems on one person
- Often, you come back from your break (be it going home early, or taking a few days off, etc.) refreshed and you look at the problem from a new perspective. Potential emotions like anger and impatience have worn off, enabling you to act calmly and rationally.
what i sense here, and i felt that too, is needing an excuse to relax. like being able to tell my boss: i'd love to work more but i have to take care of the kids. once you realize what is going on you can work with that more constructively, at which point you'll be able to relax without needing an activity that you didn't choose yourself. you can and should of course continue these chores, but those too you'll be able to do with more deliberation and awareness of what benefits they give you.
I remember this as well -- there's a particular feeling in my gut that I recall, sitting down in front of the computer at 9am, feeling sick and drained already, to work on a task that would be both tedious and difficult and didn't interest me in the slightest.... I could force myself to go ahead and get something done, but it would feel like I was somehow doing permanent damage to my psyche.
You have to look for the opportunities (and sometimes make them, once you have the clout to do it), but it's quite possible to get back to the kind of schedule (and better focused/motivated work & life) that you mentioned. In the meantime, get talking with the people around you -- some of them can become friends, and they have some say in what you work on -- while someone probably needs to get this software fixed now, your next task may well be still undecided. If you seem happy with this kind of assignment (and do it well), you're probably going to get more like it.
I'm one of those people who usually had a little too much work to do, but still felt bad when no one else volunteers for a task.
Often I'll offer to take it.
I'd end up enjoying work less & less and got a bit disgruntled until I was back to my base-line of work.
I definitely see it as a weakness in me, but also in my manager who let it happen.
As I got older, I started to work at around 90% capacity and grab a tea or chat with a colleague or do some admin for the remainder. This enabled me to jump on to urgent requests and even make extra efforts like physically walking over to discuss the matter.
This also enabled me to look out for junior colleagues who seemed a bit stressed.
Often people forget the mental stress modern work places on us. I remember my Dad working hours but he was tired from physical exhaustion and not mental. He didn't have email or messaging that would distract him from a weekend of relaxation.
I was addicted to checking my email every once in a while and found my mind switching to thinking about work instead of enjoying the moment. Thankfully I broke that habit.
Today, I try and impress this upon other people who do this.
I think you have to remind yourself that sometimes, everyone gets so busy and caught up doing the work that they forget these other parts. Would it have been better to do this proactively? Sure. But I think you can find some empathy when you imagine yourself on the other side of the table.
And, you might be right. :)
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