The whole article comes across as very defensive... here's all these examples of people seeing me as an asshole, but really I'm a nice guy. I try to relate, but it's not my fault I don't understand all of these people that are beneath me while I'm kicking it in my crib with my stone counter tops and $300 jeans. Oh I really love my wife and kid, but... I'm just so unfulfilled.
Brutal truth to the author after having read the article is that he probably does qualify as being an asshole.
As a slight counterpoint to that though, despite what everyone says it is okay to be an asshole up to a certain point. It is better to just own up to it though than to deny it. This is advice from a self admitted asshole.
There is a straightforward list of specific behaviors early in the article. None of it is defined by how anyone else feels; that's just the effect of someone who engages in that asshole behavior on a regular basis. The next comment down and probably half of the readers are trying to figure out if they're the asshole themselves, so I don't know where you got the idea that "you" are never the asshole.
(Sure is great how HN shows me this wonderful comment on top because it happened to be posted 9 minutes before I loaded the comments)
I'm not sure why this post is getting such criticism.
The entire argument made here basically reduces to the concept "if everyone around you is telling you you're an asshole, the most probable conclusion is that you're an asshole" but in a more diplomatic way.
Which, having read the original post in question, seems a reasonable response.
"Most assholes don't have that level of reflection"
Don't be so sure about that. I'm most certainly an asshole and I am extremely self aware. These two things are not mutually exclusive. Many of my closest friends are also assholes and they damn sure know it. Quite frankly that is in part why we are friends.
I agree the author is reflecting however most of his reflection is denial. If he wants to get anywhere then he needs to accept that he is an asshole. Only then can he either decide he wants to change or decide that he is ok with it.
I completely fail to understand how that's a defense. Whether you're an asshole or not is exactly defined by your reaction to similar situations. The author talked down to people who wanted to use his service and treated them like toys even after he found out they didn't mean him harm.
This post left me with nothing but bad impressions for the author and for Browserling. At some point I wonder whether a middle school bully was writing the post.
Yes, he probably is an asshole. But at least he's self reflecting and attempting to modify his behaviour. That's a good first step.
And I continually hurt those around me — just by being myself-and it’s beyond heartbreaking. Somewhere along the way, money truly changed me for the worst.
Most assholes don't have that level of reflection so I'm not going to be too harsh
> I also think asshole behavior is a subjective label in many cases.
It is absolutely subjective, but I think the advice still applies: "No assholes" means no assholes, regardless of your definition.
That said, I also see a lot of assholes hide behind this reasoning. "I'm not a jerk, your culture is just weak." In my experience, 9 times out of 10, they really are just a jerk.
This sounds so obvious on paper, but in my own experience, things have definitely shifted to include more traits and lower intensity of those traits as "asshole traits". I have no doubt many critical people who do not sugarcoat things and do not spend time trying to curry favor, despite staying stoic and civil, are often seen as negative and told to "be more outgoing / positive / extroverted / etc." Not only does that go against just not going out of one's way to upset people, it also shows the boundaries of what is / isn't an "asshole" can change over time.
"Sure, he can be an asshole, but at least he is honest about what he thinks."
I hear this kind of thing a lot - the implication seems to be that the speaker believes that not acting like an asshole requires being dishonest about your own thoughts. Which seems to say a lot more about the speaker than they perhaps realize.
I think the asshole behavior as expressed by the author (i.e. rude, dismissive, passive aggressive or even outright hostile behavior) is not the source of the benefits but are often seen together.
"Assholes" don't care what other people think and they don't seek validation from them. As a corollary they don't tone down their opinions nor do they mind confrontation. Since they express their opinions with confidence, they seem smarter.
Assholes can take advantage of people, since most people want to please others to some degree. There are also people who don't try please people, but don't engage in the anti-social behavior assholes do. It's not the Nice vs the Assholes.
In my opinion too much niceness can be a hindrance. Taking delicate care that you express your opinions in a way that doesn't upset or offend anybody is great for that warm good-feel between everybody but doesn't pave the way for real progress. People should learn to take harsh critique and not let it affect them too much personally. Likewise they should learn to give straight-up, even harsh critique.
>You also have those individuals who are “not rude” but keep telling people to “suck it up”, to get “their act together” or to believe that disrespect is just a question of interpretation.
Sounds like the author has a lot of conflicts. Sounds like he often receives unwanted advice to cool his jets. Talking about "assholes" is somewhat pointless because conflict is a fact of life, and in most conflicts both parties consider the counterparty an asshole.
This author doesn't show any philosophy, self-insight or humility; rather he is surrounded by "assholes" with "inappropriate" behavior. (He keeps using that word "inappropriate" - but if people agreed on what was appropriate, would we still have conflict?)
Here's something I've learned over decades of working with other people: fix yourself first. Become tactful, adroit and thick-skinned. Recognize that absorbing the bumps and jolts of social interaction is part of the job, whether your are a salesman or an engineer. Recognize that the "asshole" is right in his own mind and may in fact be be right, period.
Interesting take. I don't talk to most people and most people don't talk to me at a bar. What stuck out for me are the myriad warnings about not being an asshole. What is an asshole in this context?
I wouldn't say it's necessarily 'asshole'. I've learned this lesson from my own behavior and watching people in my family. Sometimes the failure mode is that they just have no idea what you're talking about and are confused. People don't trust people who confuse them, so it's a good idea to be direct until they know your personality and how to interpret you, as the article suggests.
Brutal truth to the author after having read the article is that he probably does qualify as being an asshole.
As a slight counterpoint to that though, despite what everyone says it is okay to be an asshole up to a certain point. It is better to just own up to it though than to deny it. This is advice from a self admitted asshole.
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