1. You will grow out of some of this, even without therapy and/or medication. At least I did.
2. Exercise and eat right, try cutting down especially on caffeine, sugar and anything else that seems to have a weird effect on you.
3. Take up something you are bad at or that you have never done. Such as learning a different language, guitar, etc. Reason is that you are skimming the cream off the top of your abilities - I think if you choose something you can fail at, then you realized you failed but are still alive, it will give you a better perspective.
This world is very tough on non-conformists. Hang in there.
It's okay that your body is telling you some things that your brain won't hear. This is a survival mechanism and hopefully will spur you into a better place.
But you have to be willing to change. YMMV, but the first thing I would do is stop doing things that don't work. Change your environment and change the people you see.
Office life not your thing? Try construction or landscaping. Determined to stick it out? Make selfless service and love you primary values. Seek to hear and serve.
Psychologists can't help? Try talking to an older relative, religious leader, or try an altogether different kind of therapy.
Get involved in a group doing something. Anything. Play or coach a sport. Volunteer at your local homeless shelter. Get involved at a local church and help with parking, food pantries. Bake cookies for your neighbors and just show up and say hi. Don't escape with drugs, sex, video games, etc... and don't kill yourself with self-judgment with the plethora of readily available self-help productivity porn on YouTube either.
Lastly, you aren't alone, many people suffer this way, myself included.
There are a lot of different groups online dealing with this problem. Personally I've found a lot of help from the likes of John Verveake's Meaning Crisis and Johnathan Pageau's Symbolic World. It has helped me greatly to be able to see things that are bigger than you and be involved in them. It helps a lot.
Lots of good advice here. I recommend that in addition to exercise, good diet choices, and trying out some recreational things (hobbies, sports, etc) find a therapist to talk to. You might just be dealing with the malaise of maturing and gaining a greater understanding of the world, but you might also be dealing with something else. Just like you see a doctor if your foot starts to hurt randomly, see a psychiatric doctor if your mind and the way you feel changes. Maybe it’s a small thing, maybe not. Brains are weird. And in case you’re not sure, it’s totally fine and normal and there is no shame in it.
Go easy on yourself and don't compare yourself to other people. That old classic saw "be yourself", springs to mind, but it's important to enjoy yourself too.
You are anything but shallow if you can think and write as you do. I've read your other comments on this site from 2015. I come from a Christian equivalent in some ways.
Some things that have helped me, in no particular order are, but many smart people have recommended are:
Read Philosopy, join a charity (I reckon you'd be an excellent helper in after school educational activities), take up more than one sport and join a sports club, chess, make more art, change your diet, get more sleep.
I can't speak to your mental condition or medication because that requires expertise but you can always, and indeed should always, get a second opinion and seek to alter your medication under supervision.
Trite on this forum, but emacs org-mode is a great thing to learn and might help using any available empty slots on your schedule, it's also great fun, such a total cultural immersion.
Stare out of the window more! It's an amazing thing to do, so contemplative and calming. Take time with yourself. You're a human and being human is truly wonderful.
Therapy sounds like a good start to untangle what you're experiencing.
Also, you work at a FAANG, for any reasonable definition of success, you've made it. You wouldn't be where you are if you weren't good at what you do and vetted by lots of people. Can you get better? Have you done mistakes? Probably, but that doesn't mean you're bad.
Eat healthy, go for walks, talk to a professional, open up to family and friends. Don’t be afraid of taking medication or changing your career. Don’t be afraid of admitting to yourself what you actually want out of life.
Don’t expect it to be easy.
The nice thing about medication is if you forget to take a pill today it is very easy to take one tomorrow. You can also stop when ever you want. Best case, they are a crutch that helps you until you can walk again. Worst case, you’ll live an undepressed life with them.
If you self-treat in the gym, it can be very difficult to haul your sorry ass back there if you miss a day.
> I have tried therapy
The worst thing about therapy is finding a therapist. It’s an awful process that one needs to do in a time in your life when you are not capable.
I don’t know you, but you asked for internet stranger advice: mine is to keep looking for a therapist you like and have them be part of your healing process together with medication. Don’t stop seeing a therapist just because you start to feel good when the medication kicks in.
Get some help. You'll be heard and possibly understood. You'll realize you're not alone which helps to feel a bit less bad about it. You'll learn to live with the situation (because, in my case, that's the only way out). You'll sure change a little bit too, just like I am changing. You'll make bad choices again too, it happens.
Adaptation is our better weapon, but it takes an awful lot of time... But get some help 'cos, well, it helps. And hopefully, we'll recover at some point, in a not too distant future...
Step 2: Take it from someone who was were you are at 23, but now 42: effects of early life disadvantages, disasters and even seemingly set personality traits (I'm an INTJ) disappear or smooth out over time. Also, you have oodles of time. At my age, I still have more productive adult years ahead of me than behind me.
Step 3: "Everything is a signal in the brain" is something I used to tell myself back then. Trying to change your brain state by changing the external world can be inefficient, especially if you have your basic needs met already. Work internally. Which is why speaking to a therapist matters.
Step 4: Get out of the house (provided you're not on lockdown). Force yourself to go to public gatherings or public places. It will feel unnatural at first, but remember that what feels natural is what you're used to. Get used to it. Staying at home is a recipe for sending your brain into unhealthy feedback loops.
Do your taxes. Pay your bills. The list of things I have failed at my entire life is monstrous.
I have failed my way to amazing engineering jobs and then failed out. Either by way of being managed out or by leaving before things got too bad.
There was a time when I was fine with this. But now, with a family, I am having some real regrets. I have trained myself to be OK with procrastination in the moment. Always ready to be angry at myself afterword.
I am now so self-critical that I get caught in worry loops that keep me doing nothing productive.
I started seeing a therapist but it’s just embarrassing to fully say how I feel things are going and how deep this dysfunction actually goes. At this point my therapist is like a paid buddy who hears me vent. He offers many solutions I try but never stick to.
Thanks for the pointer. Will check out that direction.
There is not a me problem though. Not in the sense of me being maladjusted to a fucked up world. If by checking out you mean see a therapist to beef me up against the way we live and/or medicate myself out of it then no thanks. That'd be throwing in the towel which if I were to do I wouldn't reach out here and elsewhere. Also tried talking with a few therapists. How to put it kindly? All they cared about is taking my money and ensure that I'm already convinced that they will help me (but it's part of their damned jobs to convince me they are not useless). So, thanks but no thanks. I'll keep looking but the sample so far was subpar.
Take some time off to care for yourself. Do some exercise and try meditation and CBT. Don't hope for things to fix themselves, and admit you are heading in the wrong direction.
1. do go see a therapist. seriously. just talking to someone who will listen to you without judgement is healing in itself, but a therapist will also be able to help you set goals and work towards them. and that is not even to mention the depression.
2. see a naturopathic doctor. a lot of people suffer from non-pathologic illness that are not typically diagnosed by by conventional medical doctors. here's some common things:
i could go on. the mind can often be greatly affected by the health of the body.
3. start attending technology users groups. interacting with real people will; give you much more perpsective thatthan reading about the great things that bubble up to the top of HN.
best of luck. know that you are not alone; a lot of us have been in your place. it feels horrible, but it is temporary, so hang in there.
1. See a professional therapist to help you sort out your issues. Maybe talk to several therapists initially to find one that you enjoy working with and then stick with that one therapist for awhile.
2. Live healthy - By that I mean try to exercise daily and eat healthy. Gets lots of rest and drink lots of water. Avoid alcohol, sugar, and junk food.
3. In addition to seeing a therapist, read "12 Rules for Life" by Jordan Peterson or listen to the audiobook version (available on audible and narrated by the author) while you go out jogging or hiking. Jordan Peterson also has an interactive "self authoring" program available (https://www.selfauthoring.com/) which is designed to help you sort out your past, present, and future.
Not having been in your shoes I feel that my suggestions may not actually be helpful. But I do want you to know that I and I'm sure many others are reading your post and we care and want to help.
Looking back through your life, what experiences and activities have been most comforting or enjoyable? Try to focus on the things that you've enjoyed and valued.
Here's a crazy idea for you: hike the Appalachian Trail. It's an opportunity to disconnect and reflect. It's not for everybody but maybe you would enjoy it.
I also encourage you to seek new professional help. Work with someone new. Try a new approach. It sounds like current support mechanisms are not working.
Trust me, you sound quite autistic. Seek help, therapy assists in seeing yourself from different angles, and realise life and yourself in ways you haven'tbefore. It helped me become a whole pperson, and move in a better direction.
You seem to be in a bad place, I hope you don't get stuck there. I know how hard change can be, there's nothing easy about it, and personally - I wouldn't have been able to even get started alone.
Maybe you have already tried it, but if you have the means, see if you can find a psychologist, or essentially any professional you feel is interested in listening, and be prepared to at least consider their words.
An bad environment can corrupt both how the world looks and how we see ourselves, that's why it's so important to get someone who can help you/us see again.
I any case, whenever you do throw off the tiniest part of what is keeping you down. Give yourself credit for it, and celebrate as a madman. Preferably as a respectful and kind madman, but give yourself credit.
This makes me really sad to read. I really hope you don't do that. I can't imagine how hard this must have been for you.
I sometimes feel like life is to much. What helps me is the realization that life right now is hard but I am enduring. What makes it feel to much is the feeling that this burden is going to go on forever. So I try to be satisfied with the fact that I am capable of handling life right now, and the future is a problem for future me.
What techniques have you looked into for improving your condition?
Have you considered trying therapy? Working with a professional who understands how psychology works can be incredibly helpful problems like this. They can help you build personalised strategies that take into account how you think, rather than generic suggestions.
Especially your mentions of punishing yourself and tracking “fail” days sound very unhealthy to me (not a professional), and perhaps working on what’s causing you to think in those terms could be beneficial.
1. You will grow out of some of this, even without therapy and/or medication. At least I did.
2. Exercise and eat right, try cutting down especially on caffeine, sugar and anything else that seems to have a weird effect on you.
3. Take up something you are bad at or that you have never done. Such as learning a different language, guitar, etc. Reason is that you are skimming the cream off the top of your abilities - I think if you choose something you can fail at, then you realized you failed but are still alive, it will give you a better perspective.
This world is very tough on non-conformists. Hang in there.
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