Obvious it's not as simple as comparing the divorce rate of love vs arranged marriages, cultural factors play a huge part but from what I've seen in India the fact that they're committed to making it work seems to make for happy couples.
Assuming you're comparing arranged marriages to "love marriages" I wouldn't even bother. In the US the divorce rate is somewhere near or above 50%.
Logically "love marriages" make plenty of sense but the data proves (in the US at least) that it doesn't work. At least not once the human factor is taken into account.
People from cultures where arranged marriage is not acceptable seem to have a very hostile view on it. There's good and bad but having come from that culture as I grew older I began to see the benefits.
IMHO there are problems with arranged marriages - for one thing I personally don't believe that a few supervised visits are sufficient to really determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.
But, the numbers do speak for themselves - divorce rates are much lower for arranged marriages. Perhaps there is social pressure preventing divorces in that context, but IMHO the objective, neutral third-party assessment of your potential partner plays into that as well. "We love each other so things will work out" is a nice thought, but often not reality.
That being said, I'm culturally ingrained to find my own mate, so that's that for me :P
Arranged marriages actually tend to work out quite well in India. People might be quick to say it's because they're forced into it, but studies have actually said otherwise. It forces a couple to actually learn to work together, rather than being immediately blinded by love, then the flame quickly dying.
Is it? Every study on arranged marriages I've seen points to lower divorce rates and higher general happiness. Assuming your parents aren't assholes they'll try and do right by their kids. And the nice thing about an arranged marriage is that it's two people not following some illusions of effortless love and happiness, but two people coming together to collaboratively build that love and happiness.
This is very enlightening. I am not sure if people are aware but arranged marriages are still prevalent in India (which these days means being asked to meet someone and decide in few months if you would want to get married). Although, it seems a bit awkward and more of being forced into it but there is statistical evidence that it can work out really well.
If people enjoy being together, love develops eventually.
I wonder if we can extrapolate to marriages and to how arranged marriages (at least in India) having a higher success rate. Usually the parents on either side decide on a match based on family background, financial stability, education background etc,. rather than letting the to-be married decide.
My point is, I'm not aware of any evidence that arranged marriages are in general a crappy deal for both sides. I found that paper while looking for a full text of this one http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1985-19991-001 which demonstrates that objective measures of love increase over time with arranged marriages and decrease with marriages for love. These papers have small sample sets because they're exploratory and pointing directions for future research, which as far as I can tell, never happened on a large scale.
I think arranged marriage can be incredibly successful. And people in arranged marriages do date. They often have the possibility to see options and say yes or no. One of the challenges of freedom is that it opens up our options so much that it can make it very hard to choose. But in an arranged marriage, the parents make sure values are aligned, that extended family gets along, the two people like each other well enough and then they grow to love each other. It's much more clearly laid out than modern dating. I heard a story of a Japanese man who was in an arranged marriage who proudly exclaimed, I love my life and it's only taken 15 years! :)
I thought Indians largely looked down on dating, although maybe the times have changed in the last 10 years? I have many close Indian friends and they are all married via arranged marriage. I’m pretty sure their American-born children will not marry via arranged marriage though and they have all come to grips with that.
I remember talking with one of my friends about arranged marriage and she laughed in my face when I asked her what she thought about marrying for love. She said that marrying for love is a Hollywood myth and if you look around, did it really exist long term? She said compatibility was the most important thing, not love, which I found very interesting.
I think most people commenting here on India and arranged marriages have no clue what they are talking about. While some of it is generally true, but not any more truer than if I make a statement like "Cops in the US are wife beaters" (Translation: Long stressful job with association with violence seems to increase the likely hood of domestic violence compared to general population.)
Arranged marriages may have started off as ways to solidify clan associations.. may be.. in the long lost past and more recently for a very select few. By and large arranged marriages in India now a days is just a matter of convenience. Mostly parents, bride, groom all reaching some sort of a consensus as to whether the marriage is likely to succeed. Why does this matter? Generally because unlike (again generalization) in the western society, this is truly two families coming together. It is easier for every one if there is a bit of compatibility between families too in addition to the bride and groom.
As to the "messed up" factor in this, usually these marriages do not happen overnight. Engagement is followed by many months (to many years) of time "together" (not necessarily in a live in sort of way) after which the wedding happens. In many many cases the engagement gets broken off for one reason or another. There is a certain amount of taboo associated with this, so it is not easily said and done. On the other hand, this is good practice ground for resolving conflict among each other.
Contrast this to ( what appears to me, an Indian) the usual dating ritual in the US.. Mostly starts of with both parties in various degrees of inebriation, followed by some awkward dates where one pretends to be smarter, funnier and what not, followed by a few sexual encounters, after which reality may dawn and the relationship is broken off. Fast forward many years and relationships and at some point the people involved realize that well, no body is perfect, lets make this work, we have some similar interests and lets face it, we are getting old. They decide to make it work and get married.
I do not generally see how this has any chance of working any better. If one could see the magic list of all the people (past present future) one could potentially get married to, with all the qualities listed, sure, one can pick the perfect partner. But till then, it is like predicting the best time to buy a stock. Who knows if something better is in the horizon. But more importantly should one care?
Adding to your last point.
I feel in many cases arranged marriages work better than love marriage because I feel there is a sense of entitlement in the second case.
It's funny that none of the replies here seriously address the issue of happiness in arranged vs. non-arranged marriage face-on. I'm inclined to believe that there is an inherent bias against arranged marriage to begin with and so certain angles of reasoning are simply not considered.
I will say, very frankly, that I believe arranged marriages have the ability to make marriages, on average, more happy. Before any of the free-choice fanatics decry this, here is why that does not work here: happiness is purely perception. If you change the parameters of the environment, the equation for happiness does not remain the same, as in, more freedom does NOT imply more happiness as many people would like to believe.
If you are starving, anything edible tastes good. If you are a slave since birth, any reward is enjoyable. If you are resigned to an arranged marriage, you are less aware of the pains of opportunity costs, therefore it is very plausible that you try to make the best of the marriage.
This might be heresy to say around these parts but arranged marriages
in Asian countries are typically successful and happy. Note there is a
world of difference between arranged and "forced" marriages.
Yes, there are downsides to what is seen in the "secular west" as an
illiberal over-involvement of families. 'Honour killings' and other
regressive horrors can occur. But they're not the norm. Plus side is
that healthy, supportive involvement from both sides of a family is
super valuable.
But why stop at the family? Throughout most of human history the
community, the village, respected friends etc, have held a really
important place in matchmaking. Just read some Jane Austen :)
We like the illusion of total independence and choice. In 2024 we can
have that. And thank goodness we've gotten past those old suffocating
social norms that kept people in traps of class and normative gender
roles.
But the model of isolated autonomous Bayesian-utility-maximising
actors rationally selecting each other ... is a crock. We just don't
do that. As soon as we get a serious date, what is the first thing we
do... introduce them to our friends for approval!
So sure, there are any number of groups from which we could take
healthier advice than from a for-profit company that feeds on
loneliness and isolation, including maybe a benevolent government that
funds services which ultimately result in better mental health and
social stability.
Yes, however, I suspect that (in the 21st century bourgeois West) we underestimate the ability for two people to learn to love each other profoundly in the context of an arranged marriage where choice is removed from them.
I'd love to see statistics showing how longitudinal life satisfaction compares between societies where marriages are arranged and where there is total freedom of marriage partner choice.
If it wasn't 4:30 in the morning, I'd dig up some info about the relative success of arranged marriage vs love marriage. Plenty of Western marriages end up loveless, and divorce is rampant here. It's not clear to me which system would seem more efficient to a hypothetical man from Mars (but as a not-so-hypothetical white American, people I know would think I'm insane for even entertaining the idea that there could be redeeming qualities of arranged marriage).
Do you know people with arranged marriages? They work and I don't judge, but it's based on a very different cultural paradigm than what we're (mostly) used to the west; I certainly wouldn't call them happier than modern western marriages I'm familiar with. There's a lot more extended family negotiation when there are problems, rather than direct communication.
Arranged marriages are still marriages and come with the same issues. Couple of factors why they succeed often is:
* compatibility is established by design
* usually, its a union of families, which creates a wider social circle that helps out the newlywed couple through difficulties
Personally, I believe that _any_ two people living together and sharing so much will inevitably end up loving/hating each other. You simply can't be indifferent to people who are in such close social contact with you for so long.
Obvious it's not as simple as comparing the divorce rate of love vs arranged marriages, cultural factors play a huge part but from what I've seen in India the fact that they're committed to making it work seems to make for happy couples.
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