I'm not sure why you think pypy is slower than cpython "at pretty much everything" after looking at this site. Out of the 21 benchmarks given, 10 are 2x or more faster than cpython, 10 are between 2x faster and 2x slower and only 1 is more than 2x slower.
[citation needed] You're mostly talking nonsense. PyPy is usually 20-100x faster on the numeric workloads I measured than CPython, while the difference is significantly smaller on non-numeric workloads. The difference between C++ and CPython is also smaller.
For algorithmic code PyPy can provide substantial speedups over CPython. I've used PyPy in code fingerprinting large bioinformatics files and seen big speedups. I've also tried porting a webapp processing JSON from CPython and seen no perceptible speedup.
PyPy is only twice as slow as v8 and is about an order of magnitude faster than CPython. It is quite an achievement. I would be very happy if CPython could get this performance but I doubt.
PyPy was never able to get fast enough to replace CPython in spite of its lack of compatible C API. CPython is trying to move fast without breaking C API, and 2--9% improvement is in fact very encouraging for that and other reasons (see my other comment).
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