For many reasons, I grew accustomed to fit into many diverse social groups.
It's not only about the way you dress, but also which "side of you" you present to others. I mean, what I've learned is that there are many "I" available in me (and everyone, please generalize at will), and too many people consider wrongly that they're "one and only" and that it's "being true to oneself" to only expose one side of themself.
This is wrong. I, you and everyone, we are all individually a multitude and using this multitude to get yourself what you want (friends, information, jobs, sex, you name it) is not only a skill, which would sound a bit too utilitarian, but also and most importantly, it is a way to acknowledge yourself and let the others know the multitude and complexity and diversity of you.
not only there are multiple spaces to be yourself within, you can be yourself in different ways and under different identities. there's "side profiles", "finstas", etc., there's more flexibility and more ways to express yourself, across all different sides of you. like, if someone thinks that people just use one identity and hang out around a certain circle of people in a certain space (or set of spaces), that just doesn't align with reality. people make side pages, pseudonyms and identities, with those having different circles of people they interact with, and different audiences, within one space/platform or across multiple different ones. just like, a handful of apps, insta, twitter, tiktok, discord, all may have different circles and dynamics. and it's fine - and it works - because irl spaces/circles/identities, do play out in a similar way. (like, differences between home/friends/school/work/public/etc.)
I pride myself on being able to move between many different worlds, being able to communicate and befriend different kinds of people. I don't speak the same way to my peers and to 50-year olds. There's nothing wrong with that. It's challenging, but it's good for the mind. Moving successfully in different cultural circles gives you better perspective on the cultural forces which unconsciously shape you and your peers.
"Just be yourself" is one of those overly facile pieces of common advice that is more harmful than helpful.
You state a lot of things that people shouldn't do. Isn't it kinda sad that the one thing we shouldn't be doing, being ourselves, isn't on that list? That's what this discussion is essentially about. Freedom to think what we want, be who we are?
Maybe the goal shouldn't be to hide from everyone, but to expose everyone for who we all really are? Maybe if everyone realizes how messed up everyone really is, we'll stop being so judgemental? So maybe the best way to do that is have a single identity, a single being. Sure, how you act might be different between different social groups, but that doesn't change who you are.
Maybe this is an idealist outlook, but isn't it an ideal we should be working for, not hiding from?
It is. You have to understand that the way you see yourself is not necessarily the way other people see themselves. For centuries people hid this from society, but now people are open about it and it turns out that it's pretty OK.
I'm fairly self conscious of the fact that I am at least 3 or 4 different people.
My "work" personality is a completely different one to my "Home" personality.
and My Online and internal personalities are all different people as well.
which one is the real me? shrug they're all real, just used for different purposes. I'm fairly sure I'm not unique in this, but then I suspect I'm better at compartmentalising than most others so maybe I am.
Yeah, what you say makes sense. Pretending you’re something else can be detrimental for a lot of folks.
I’m not going to say the article is wrong either though. Some folks need to pretend they’re something before they graduate to the level of actually living the ideals they want for themselves. Everyone is different.
In my opinion, at least for me, what you are saying is the long game truth though. The people I meet who are truly at peace with themselves and live with a quiet acceptance of who they are, seem to do exactly what you say.
These folks make the hard decisions necessary to define for themselves who they want to be. This is difficult but forces them to accept who they are and what actions they take.
I’m sure some folks will say, “well that’s just a multifaceted person playing many roles”. However, I think there is merit in what you’re saying. Reducing a strong character down to “many roles” seems almost disingenuous when that person might think of their actions and person as singular.
I think what you say accepts people as who they are and holds them accountable as such, without masks or personas, for better or worse.
I just don't get the article. Would somebody care to explain it?
Rarely do I get exactly what I want by "just being myself." Being socially adept is a learned behavior, often requiring one to modify one's own behavior to fit in. I speak of this anecdotally. Maybe I'm missing the point?
I appreciate the "This is how I am, take it or leave it." attitude, and vaguely recall a Buddhist teaching relating to cultivating a self that can be consistent across different situations. I like it.
However, your version seems a little extreme. The article may seem to articulate the other extreme - like you should always contort yourself into the shape that others want, but I don't think the author was suggesting that. Seemed to me they were just pointing out that conversations are most fun when both/all parties take an interest in each other, and it's nice when someone takes a genuine interest in what you're talking about, so let's do that for each other.
When I was in highschool it was considered the "in" thing to be bisexual. I never really understood the claim, I was who I was and that was that.
But I'm starting to wonder if the new way to express your individuality is to come up with a sexuality nobody else has claimed yet.
And if that's who you are then more power to you, but I wonder how many people wear their sexuality on their sleeve as a changeable accessory instead of as who they really are. Being who you are is more rewarding than being a member of the currently fashionable clique.
> you're always going to have to see yourself as something.
I think this is indirectly a large part of the problem. The trend in society is that everybody must have totally unique and interesting identities, and since few people are in fact "special" enough to live up to that ridiculously high standard, they need to pile on everything and the kitchensink to get to some reasonable approximation. And you'll still wake up one day and dread that your identity is not, in fact, unique and interesting enough, which looks a lot like your "a lie" scenario. But in the meantime, you've set yourself up to spend a non-trivial amount of time fending off attacks, real and imagined, on any of the myriad of items that make up your identity.
In a past not too distant, our waiter-friend would be content to see himself as a good person, a good friend and a provider for his family.
It's funny how much effort goes into image and reputation management, as if we're putting more effort into maintaining this false appearance of who we are instead of simply being ourselves.
For me all throughout college I put up this fake front of who I wanted to be because I wanted to be popular and accepted by the world. It wasn't until after college that I came to realize (and still am) that internal acceptance and living truthfully with others removes such a huge mental burden. I have my utter failings, and I have my great successes, and both of them I am more than willing to share with others because that's who I am.
But the reality is that everyone modifies their behavior based on who they're around. They're always being themselves, of course, but adapt to the social mores.
It's not only about the way you dress, but also which "side of you" you present to others. I mean, what I've learned is that there are many "I" available in me (and everyone, please generalize at will), and too many people consider wrongly that they're "one and only" and that it's "being true to oneself" to only expose one side of themself.
This is wrong. I, you and everyone, we are all individually a multitude and using this multitude to get yourself what you want (friends, information, jobs, sex, you name it) is not only a skill, which would sound a bit too utilitarian, but also and most importantly, it is a way to acknowledge yourself and let the others know the multitude and complexity and diversity of you.
And I think it's awesome.
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