>one of the strongest aspects of human nature (to have a family)
I can't relate.
I treasure friendships, but I disdain familial ties enough that I have no intentions of making a family. Enough bullshit comes flying my way from the familial ties that predate my existence, I don't need nor want more.
> As an adult, it's very difficult to reconstruct the same kind of social network once it has been broken.
This describes my parents' situation perfectly. We are a family of migrants, my parents were very social and had a big network of friends back in their home country. Even since we moved here, they became insular, and never made many long term friends. In fact, they are pretty much alone and not very happy in their older age.
> I think the individualist streak in American culture is better shown by people being unwilling to seek help from friends/family.
And our families are, cross-culturally, unusually small. I talk to my parents every few weeks. Not so much my aunts and uncles. I have a few cousins who I see every fifth Christmas or so, and anyone more distant than that may as well be unrelated. This seems to be common within American culture, but it leads to weak social networks - unless you go to the right college and can network there.
> I'm very glad my (unmarried) parents could separate themselves when time came and remain friends throughout my childhood, instead of developing the bitter contempt that is so common among divorced parents.
If people can be friends, why can they not remain together?
> And people stopped realizing because?
Because folks got more selfish, preferring to satisfy themselves than to work hard for others.
>The number of friends you can count on as much as family is abysmally small. How many of your wide social net friends will be there for you in old age?
I personally hopefully a lot because I pay a lot of attention to cultivate them. My grandparents throughout their entire life had a rich social life up until the very end with friendships lasting decades, they even lived entirely autonomously in a cooperative community for the elderly.
It's my parents, who are now 60-ish, who have no friends. Because unlike my grandparents they grew up in what was peak nuclear family era. I'm not repeating that mistake and it's pretty sad that people here don't even seem to be able to imagine authentic communal life.
> This is a common issue that a lot or even most people face as they get older. I think that a lot of us have been able to fill this gap by finding significant others and starting families. I wonder if the trend towards settling down at later ages and holding off on having a child - or forgoing it altogether - is also part of the issue.
I doubt this is all of it. It may have intensified recently, but the American obsession with the nuclear family predates the internet. Your wife and children should not be the entirety of your social circle. Likewise, your (man)children and other mothers should not be your mother's entire social circle if you are a child. Loneliness would be greatly reduced if more people were able to force their circumstances to be favorable to forming lifelong platonic friendships.
> Do you find yourself not having much in common with your neighbors, not liking them, etc
Many of my neighbors are older and have lived in the homes since they were built. Mostly they just gripe that I don't behave the same way as the last guy.
Others are parents around my age who I don't have much common ground with because their kids are their whole lives basically, and I don't have kids and don't want them.
I think there's more to friendship than just proximity.
> my circle of friends expanded after my breakup, which makes sense.
This surprises me. Usually breakups cost friends, as some are associated more with the partner you're leaving.
> I'd think smaller families would increase availability for socialization
I dunno, there can be a lot of socialization within the extended family. It has a lot to do with culture though. In some there'll be a WhatsApp group full of cousins and aunties, plus three generations actually living together in a big compound, and all the socialization you could need (and then some). And if you travel you'll never need a hotel. Lots of cultures like this.
> It may be trite, but it seems like strong social ties, community, and having a family are pretty key to filling that gap.
That's certainly true, and without my partner life would be a lot more bleak.
I've a bit of a hard time with communities, because I would really like to be part of more, but have often issues with their narrow mindedness, which seems to be the needed bound of communities. Well, also being a bit of loner doesn't help connecting to a community. But nevertheless I've a strong emotional desire to be part of one.
It might be one of these mismatches, when your desire and the reality just aren't compatible.
> If an individual lacked the necessary comrades in their youth they might actually be incapable of forming proper relationships, at all.
I think the struggle for a lot of adults is not in the interaction or in the start but in the maintaining relationships.
This is easy in school and university because of the free time and co-location, the challenge is to do it when we all go our separate ways.
In that sense I do feel like I lack the skills and the mental CRM system to keep walking those friendship footpaths before all the weeds and time make these footpaths slowly vanish.
> They're just people who live near me and have relatively little impact on my life.
When shit hits the fan, you will suddenly hope they become part of your personal life. It is only in a relatively high trust society with a mostly working police/court/government that you can afford to exclude your neighbors from your personal life.
My parents taught me a saying from their native language that translates to the people physically closest to you are your closest family. They are going to be the ones who can help you in times of need (or harm you), so building and maintaining relationships with them is advisable.
Are you sure this is entirely the modern lifestyle's fault? When I look deeply into my past I realize I messed up high school and college a bit socially (for various reasons) and that's the time most people acquire their best friends. I have 1-2 good friends but I'm pretty sure it's on me its not more than that.
Perhaps you went through something similar?
The real annoying thing is making friends after mid 30s is very difficult. I am very choosy about who I want to meet because I'm a parent and my time is valuable and I put up with less bullshit than when I was young. Alas, all "older" folk are like me - so we barely try to create friendships.
> Lots of people actually like their family & enjoy spending more time with them.
Let's not forget that there are a lot of people who don't live with families or in couple. For them (I am in this case too), most of social interactions are with colleagues during the day and friends in evenings or weekends. Both of these options are at minimum severely hindered.
>>Most of their regrets revolved around their family and how they wish relationships, usually either with their children or between their children
I am willing to bet, that if you met many of these people in the 40's and 50;'s (where I am today) they would have the same statements.
I too sometimes regret I am not closer with family, or have more "friends" but at the same time I do not have the desire to change that reality at all...
It is complex psychological problem for me I have always since my teens been a "loner", I do not have the mental stamina to be around people for long periods of time. Once of the reasons I would attracted to computer programming, even when working in a "team" you work alone for large periods of time.
To be clear I am not really a introvert or rather I am both an introvert and an extrovert when the situation requires it, I can carry a conversion, I can be "the life the room" but I find it mentally draining and exhausting to the point where if I am at a conference for example, I need a few days completely alone after to decompress.
So sure I sometimes regret that was not born with the mental gift of being able form these close continual bonds with people... but at the same time I dont have the desire to change that element of myself... if that makes any sense at all.
> Glad it works for you, but that has got to be the third circle of my personal hell.
Here, here. Not only do I not live with parents, friends or anyone else. The slowly but steadily losing side of a current raging personal debate in my head is that one day I should share my life with a significant other and perhaps have a family of my own. That idea is on the ropes but I'm not quite ready to close that door completely, but I'm real close to calling the fight and declaring a winner.
Further, I have been going longer between replies to messages from friends. If they need to find me, they will know where to go. We can only maintain X number of relationships. I would rather that list include people in my pro network and an inner circle of friends and family.
If you can handle being alone. I feel that's a superpower. Though there are many benefits to for sharing your life with an SO. I suppose it's a trade-off.
> I'm not exempt to the social difficulties, but I have been guided and exposed to a large number of social situations by friends/family growing up since I have always been in mixed environment not dominated by people like myself.
Unfortunately I was brought up with a terminal as my foster parent, takeaway pizza as my mother's milk and snarky technical email lists as my social milieu. So I haven't quite had that experience. :-/
> But you'll do all that against massive societal forces.
What forces exactly?
> A few decades back you'd join one of the few organizations or clubs that happened in your area, and instantly be in a reliable community (if you adapt a little - let's ignore all the downsides for a moment).
I’ve joined two different clubs. One 7 years ago and one this year. Both have resulted in good friends, outings, and even trips to other states. There are more people who want to see more of me than I have time for.
> Friends would hook you up with a partner who's as nerdy as you.
I met my wife at a friend’s party 5 years ago.
> When I was young random strangers had regularly great conversations on trains. A city street was a village, you knew everyone.
I know my neighbors on both sides and across the street, and routinely have conversations with people I meet when I’m walking my dog.
> That is not coming back anytime soon.
I don’t think it’s gone anywhere. As far as I can see there are far more groups of people doing interesting things than I have time for. Mostly I’m turning down opportunities.
Not many.
>I’m the only one of my siblings who has consistently been on speaking terms with either of my divorced parents.
A large number of people (over 3/4 - perhaps close to 95 %) are dysfunctional or immature in a major way. The are pawns in the game of evolution.
>Even given all I’ve said so far, I hope I can build one someday.
It boils down to numbers really, so good luck. For functional people to bump into each other, it's is an needle in a haystack chance.
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