I find this fascinating and in some ways consoling. I know for a fact that at least one of my parents had truly severe trauma when growing up; the other may have had trauma as well.
I like this article because it makes me wonder what becomes of people with a similarly bad background like myself (abusive parents and such). I won't say that I think I'm resilient; I don't think I am but for some odd reason my therapist does. Go figure.
Parental hurt is an altogether different kind of hurt. I have felt it in a few cases but 'life struggle' issues are likely on another level. I can empathize only to the limits of what I know and can only wonder how, and hope, they continue to stay strong.
One thing I am surprised by with these types of theories is the lack of awareness that some people have happy childhoods with parents who don't scar them in any way. It's like it's taken as a given that a legacy of sadness runs through every family.
Yes. My partner worked in a women's shelter and told me about the 'learned behaviour' that was perhaps the root cause in so many situations. Her grandmother had managed to hide and avoid being taken to one of the Catholic schools when they came into their family home to take her, her grandfather didn't manage it.
Easy to see how that kind of trauma in a family could affect the next generations, particularly so if their was abuse - which apparently was rife in the schools they were sent to.
One thing that surprised me immensely was the unexpected new perspective and sense of respect for my own parents who had obviously been through it all themselves.
I'm glad you have good experiences with your parents, but some people don't. I really clearly remember a guy I worked with at one point telling me about the murder trial his father was in, really brutal stuff. It's not like everyone is possible to live with, unfortunately some people are seriously fucked up in a way that doesn't improve with time.
It was a hard read for me, but incredibly enlightening. I must have highlighted over 40 different passages. At some point I plan to read it a second time, because there's a lot that I haven't fully digested yet.
In an odd way it's made me more empathetic to my parents, even though the memories are challenging. In my case it wasn't that they wanted to be emotionally unavailable, it's that they were dealing with their own immense internal turmoil, while still being essentially children emotionally.
One of the main things I’ve learnt undergoing psychoanalysis is how much pain and repression is caused by not allowing ourselves to admit that our parents are not perfect. For example I still to this day try to construct ideal people and am shocked when they show that they are still fallible humans, because I never fully accepted that my dad isn’t perfect, even if I know it intellectually
Going forth into the world and realising it is not going to look after us is a vital realisation that all humans must go through
It's not normal for parents to 'fuck up your childhood'. It is normal for your childhood to be far from ideal because of the flaws of your parents and that is indeed something many people will have to come to terms with. But the latter is far less damaging than the first: it's like regret vs. something akin to PTSD.
Hey, just want to say that I've watched my own parents handle this with my youngest brother (now 13). It's incredibly difficult and draining both physically and emotionally. I can't imagine how tough it is first hand as a parent.
This really hits home. I pondered whether I should write the following string of text because they are deeply personal but I've worked up the courage to put them in writing because it's been driving me nuts and I'm sick of having to protect my parent's failures.
The earliest memory I have of my father is raging and suffocating my mother with a blanket. The whole movie is spotty. It's like my mind was trying to protect my 7 year old brain by "deleting" traumatic moments. This is the tip of the iceberg. All I can say is I've never felt safe. My biggest fear at the end of school was walking home in fear every single day that my dad might try to kill my mom.
My lifelong desire was to provide financially for my mom and younger sister so she wouldn't have to depend on my father. I've failed here but I'm still in this software game, hoping that I can finally provide the life my mom and sister is owed-my father being the world's poorest and financially irresponsible dentist.
Even as I'm writing this I'm starting to get uneasy and it's hard for me to continue. Everytime I revisit these scenes, it starts to trigger anxiety and panic.
While I think divorce is traumatic, the aftermath of toxic adults who have deep hatred for each other is even more harmful to a child.
I really wish my parents had divorced earlier. I wish I hadn't seen, experienced early childhood, teens to adulthood.
I am utterly broken. I'm 100% certain that I will remain the way I am. Unable to marry, unable to have meaningful intimate relationships. I'm 30 but I do not feel like my emotional maturity is remotely close.
But all that I can bear. As long as there's a single breath of life in me, it will go towards creating products that will solve challenging problems and get paid for it so I can find peace for my family and myself.
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