This is so spot on. I feel like I am such a shitty friend especially after having witnessed my friends go above and beyond for when we needed their help without even being asked for it.
I've learned the hard way that there are true friends and there are fair weather friends.
The worst part is that if they were in a shitty situation I would've been willing to help them out (and often did), but when the tables were turned they were nowhere to be found.
I’m sorry you’ve never experienced “friends” who are more than takers/givers.
My parents have had friends who have helped them when they’ve needed them and vice versa. I’m also fortunate that so far my friends have done the same as well and I’ve had the privilege to help them in their need.
Wow! This thought thread is a what's what on the list of horrifying and inauthentic bullshit.
When did we lose the ability to have authentic relationships?
If someone needs your help and you have the capacity to help and they haven't burned you in the past, why not actually be human and help them? Perhaps one day you'll need help and they'll return the favour. If they don't without good reason, then next time say "hey, you know what, I was there when you needed help last time and when I needed help you were nowhere to be found, you flaked out on me because you didn't take my needs seriously." or whatever.
If you're hanging out with flaky people who give you bullshit excuses for not helping you out when you genuinely need help and you're not helping out when they genuinely need help then you don't have friendship, you have acquaintances.
Being a friend is being there when your friends need you and your friends being there when you need them. If one side of that relationship isn't being honoured, it's not friendship. One or the other of you is taking advantage of boundaries that aren't being enforced or respected.
Kudos to everyone for wanting more time for themselves to find value in what they do but when you get to the pinnacle of whatever it is you're doing and you realize you've cast aside your friends and relationships for whatever shiny thing it is that currently has your attention, I hope the shiny thing is more valuable to you than your friendships, because you'll have none.
Addendum: I don't want to devalue those that are selfless and just trying to scramble back a bit of time for their own selves, I get it, I'm an introvert, I need time for myself to do my own things too, but don't lose sight of the fact that human connection is where happiness and love lays. If the giving of yourself to make those you love happy isn't making you happy, then you should probably closely examine the quality of those relationships and either fix them or end them so you are.
What about my alcoholic friend I've known for 20 years that is destroying his life and lashing out at me right now because he is sick? Or my heavily depressed friend of 30 years who I sat with on the weekend? Not everything is about extracting maximum personal happiness. Friendship can also be about service.
_do they keep asking for favors without giving you the feeling that you are still friends?_
Then they disappear until the next time. I do not mind helping others at all! I try to help people as much as I can.
_if they think, for you to be worthy of their friendship requires effort on your part, then they probably weren't good friends to begin with._
This might be the case with me atm. I simply can't afford to manage a perfectly feasible time because of personal reasons. However, I have friends who work around these limitations and still manage to catch up. There are some who do not consider this limitation.
A lot of friends are terrible therapists. They give bad advice, advice when you don't need it, victim-blame you (e.g. Job's friends from the Bible), etc. These can even be otherwise good friends.
I have confronted and ended friendships over things like former friends talking to service people like they are somehow better than them or own them. I can't look at someone the same after that type of behavior. Your friend literally owns a person.
This was a piece of advice I used to often get from my parents as a child. Didn't really understand it for the longest time, I used to think "they're my friends! they're going to help me out too when I need it". Took a few times of getting into one-sided friendships to realize what they meant, nowadays anyone being excessively nice without a reason sets of alarms unless I know enough about them.
I completely disagree with #8. A bad friend can be a cancer in your life, and blaming yourself for their failures is an extremely common way of dragging yourself down. Assuming that it's usually something to do with yourself, or that it's better to forget the past is just asinine.
Sometimes you're depressed or lazy or for whatever reason consistently doing unproductive or annoying things. In this case, good friends might make you feel bad about yourself in the course of helping you improve your life. Not everything can be judged by how it makes you feel.
Sometimes we think a friend does everything for us -- invites us out, listens to us, shares with us, teaches us, dares us, helps us grow, etc.
Reality is certain people are better at certain things. Some friends will always go out and show you a good time, but they're not going to challenge you to be a better person. When you can accept them for the gifts they're willing and able to give, that's when you're friends.
I've been that friend, and I have to say, people that have those kinds of problems tend to have them over and over again. Not being that kind of friend cuts those kinds of people out of your life, and that's a net plus.
That's legit that you helped out your friend like that. I've had people look at me like I'm crazy for doing similar things for friends. A rising tide raises all boats.
Absolutely. Shameless friends asking for help repeatedly with nothing in return become irritating and perhaps avoided after some time. Contrast that with someone who is shameful and know they can’t return the favor and don’t abuse their position because they’re ashamed to.
Here’s a concrete example from my own experience: lending money to someone who is shameful (ashamed for asking) will probably make it very likely for them to pay you back promptly whereas a shameless person would not be bothered with owing you something. They’d probably not even say anything till the loan is mentioned at a later time and if cornered they’d get angry and say they don’t have it and can’t get it anytime soon and postpone you indefinitely.
reply