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> removing shit from our asses.

Get a bidet, and buy a newspaper (no need to read it; it's already covered in shit).



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> Oh and tissues and toilet rolls, never want to be short of those.

Better yet, buy and install a cheap bidet.


> On the flip side, most people who use toilet paper think their butts will get completely clean. That is actually not the case.

yeah yeah we are all unhygienic savages, but isn't this what the two showers a day are for?


> Ever wiped with a piece of receipt paper? not fun.

In Suriname people wash their ass after they took a dump. They also wash their hands afterwards.


> The feeling of having a genuinely clean butt gives you the confidence you need to go crush it in the boardroom.

Can't speak to bidets, but a while back on a whim I bought some flushable moist wipes and started using just like one at the end.

Yeah knowing you have a clean butt is totally a confidence booster.

Side note: on the general toilet subject

Niagra Conserveration's 1.25 gallon flaperless toilet is excellent that thing can flush a giraffe[1].

[1]Specifically it will flush >= 1kg of soybean paste http://www.map-testing.com/map-search.html


> On the flip side, most people who use toilet paper think their butts will get completely clean. That is actually not the case.

Do they?


> If I had poo on my arm, I'd use soap and water to clean it then rinse well.

That is why the only acceptable option is using a bidet, with soap of course. It boggles my mind that some people can withstand even the thought of cleaning themselves with just paper or wet wipes.


> Toilet paper is an essential for both genders.

In walked the bidet.


> But when you go back to a country that uses only toilet paper you either have to go out of your way (and pay a lot of money to renovate your bathroom) to find the kind of modern automated toilet seat that does add the features you've just left behind, or you just do as everyone else does.

Having gotten use to the bidet, I now bring a bottle of water with me, and wet the toilet paper before wiping. It leaves me about as clean as with a bidet.


> Wiping is barbaric! Your bottom begs for salvation

It's funny but I really do fee this way when I use regular toilet paper. You're just smearing poop all around! It's sick!


> You can use four squares of toilet paper to wipe your butt and then bidet the rest. This is a huge savings on toilet paper.

There must be a huge variation in diet and body shape in this discussion.

Four squares is about the maximum I ever use (even if I'm ill). This is probably why I checked what's left in my cupboard (6 rolls from an 8-pack) and haven't bought any more, yet there are people loading up the trolley with 32, 48 or more rolls.


> Why Do We Shower?

Get itchy fecal matter off behind & not have to mess with aiming bidet wand spraying maybe fecal water outside bowl or mess with a rag with fecal chunks.


> Speaking of which, it’s high time that we consider changing how we clean ourselves after we use the toilet. Tersorium, anyone?

Rather than the Tersorium (basically a shitty sponge), the answer is the bidet or the bidet shower[1] which is common in the Middle East and Asia.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bidet_shower


> Whenever I travel I now have to carry around wet wipes or I don't feel clean. But wet wipes are apparently horrible for the environment.

Before wiping, wet the dry toilet paper with saliva.

Note to (potential) downvoter(s): I made this suggestion in all seriousness, especially as a way to avoid flushing wet wipes which besides containing non-compostable materials also frequently damage plumbing.


> I would wipe my ass with my own hand

That's probably not the best of ideas, however the toilet paper frenzy is indeed extremely strange. If it was that crucial, humanity would collectively explode from all the stuff they could not push out of their asses before toilet paper was invented. Many times over. And it would stink to hell and back, too.


>>> And a bidet doesn't include the soap part

wait, what? please, do yourself a favor and use soap (and your hand) with a bidet


> How can it be grosser than trying to smear poop off with a paper towel!?

I understand that with a bidet one must use one's naked fingers to clean the area. That seems substantially grosser than using toilet paper. Then there's the risk of spray going the wrong direction, and of getting one's trousers wet.

A bidet sounds awesome, but terribly impractical. I wonder how people are able to use one so often.


> Better yet, buy and install a cheap bidet.

I rent and live in a flat, and I've also tried a bidet before. I would say that I've more success with the three shells.


>"How do you dry your ass off?"

>Wipe once with toilet paper and you're good to go. It's like the best of Eastern and Western civilization, coming together to clean your ass.


>I am kind of appalled that the article and a lot of people in the comments seem to take the Bidet as an _alternative_ to toilet paper.

It's such a weird quirk of online discourse: any worthwhile alternative has to be a 100% drop-in replacement with no costs or trade-offs. The same thing happens in discussions of biking/transit/car balance.

You can use a bidet (or bidet attachment) with toilet paper. You'll feel much cleaner, get clean quicker, and use way less paper in the process vs. using paper only.

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