That being said, the engineers I know who have kids use it in one of two ways. They either try to use it as leverage for a better WLB to spend more time with their families (or, if they're not the world's best parent, to take a vacation under the guise of caring deeply for their kid), OR they go full on cut-throat sociopath career mode to enable the best life (financially) that they can for their family. Then there's the wildcard option: company doesn't care at all about your new priorities and nothing changes. That's when you brush up your resume and try to find somewhere with a management team made of human beings instead of lizard people (or the aforementioned career sociopaths).

1. Your #1 priority really has to be your family. I'm not assuming your family isn't important to you -- clearly it is -- but, it has to be more important than building a product or starting your own company. You're spending at minimum 65 hrs/week doing "not family", and that's a bit too much. You have 1.5 young kids, and what you do now, as a parent, will shape their future for the next several decades. It will change how they relate to other people, how they raise their own kids, and so on. If you want to have an impact on the world, focus on raising your kids.

2. So your job is your job. I mean, separate your self-worth from your employer. Show up, do what they ask, collect a paycheck, go home. One of the best things I ever did was step out of the computer industry for a few years and pick up a bunch of different jobs, including retail. I will still happily put in a lot of extra effort for any employer that wants it and is willing to reward me for it, but I can also show up every day, do the job, and go home, and have lots of other things to care about other than what's going on at work.

3. That said, if you can't learn how to do that, just show up and do the work and go home and forget about it, then you have to keep looking for a new job. That really should be your spare time gig, IMO, before other projects. It becomes your responsibility as a parent to try to find a job that values you and wants to pay you more so that you can provide more financial stability for your family -- and the best way to do that is with a better job, not a startup. HN is about the worst place to get this kind of life advice, because it's heavily skewed towards the attraction of risk-taking and the success stories when those risks pay off, but the reality is that the odds are not in your favor. There are a lot of bright and talented and ambitious people here on HN -- thousands, at least -- and of those, maybe only a handful have found something resembling wealth and stability, and of those, I'd bet most of them went through some pretty bad times. Do you really want to try to juggle all of that and a family at the same time?

I'm not saying you shouldn't work on your project at all, but that your priorities should probably be family, better job, and then project, in that order.

And, the consistent advice on HN is not to worry too much about being beaten to market. If someone else gets there first, it gives you an opportunity to see if there is a market at all for your product without having to suffer through the market research yourself (which these days typically consists of, "gosh, I really hope someone buys my product/service"), and you get to see what kind of mistakes they make, and learn from them. If it's a good market, there will be room for at least two of you.

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There's a thing I do whenever I'm faced with really difficult life decisions. I sit back, let things get really quiet, close my eyes, and I try to see my futures stretching out in front of me like roads going in different directions. Each road represents a decision, and stretching out past my decisions aren't my fantasies but the most realistic outcomes I can guesstimate for each.

So, I would close my eyes, and I would see a road going off to the left, and that road goes like this: work full time for job I dislike, work hard on startup/side project, try to raise family on the weekends ... I am tired, and I am stressed out, because it's impossible to do all of that without getting tired and stressed out. Stress puts a strain on my relationship with my family. Project is completed and launched, and now I try to juggle a full time job, running a business, and raising a family. My health suffers. My oldest kid is 5 years old, and the business is still going. It hasn't failed, but it hasn't been a wild success either. I still pick up consulting jobs here and there to supplement my income. My kid is 10, and the business is stable now, but our relationship is a bit distant. I am responsible for two kids and a wife and a business and I lay awake at night occasionally thinking about that. There is a small disaster or two -- car accident, economic downturn, a health issue -- because few people get to go 10 years without a serious challenge in life. I am able to handle it but it's difficult. My eldest is 15 now, a rebellious teenager, and s/he knows exactly what to say to punch me in the heart: what do you care, you're always busy working anyway. The business is successful, we spend some of the hard-earned money on trips and a few luxuries.

Off to the right is a road that goes like this: work full time for job I dislike, swallow my pride and hopes and dreams and put down my project for a while -- just a while. I practice tolerating the job while actively looking for a new job and trying to squeeze the occasional raise out of the current one. A year later, I have a new job. I don't like it much better, but it pays more. I don't stop looking for new opportunities. I come home and have dinner with the family and spend time with the wife and kids. I'm not happy or fulfilled at work, but I can come home and leave the stress at work. I still poke at my project now and again, I take shortcuts, but I make progress on it as a hobby. Another year later, another new job, another raise. I take a small risk and hire a cheap freelancer to finish out a few things on my project. Somebody else beat me to market and they're doing well but their customer support forums are full of complaints. I launch my project, still incomplete, but I don't have to be stressed out about that -- my income doesn't depend on the success or failure of this project. 5 years later, and I own my own business, but over the years I've developed a strong habit of spending time with my family. I have a little bit of savings in the bank and my health isn't too bad. The business isn't wildly successful, and we've had to give up a few luxuries, but it pays the rent and does OK.

That's how I'd figure it anyway. Maybe there are other options too. Really try to envision each scenario. Try to feel like you're living in them. Try to make them realistic. Don't fall into the trap of assuming that a good idea and a lot of hard work is enough to guarantee success.

And think of your family as your first startup.

I understand the reason this fiction is maintained: people with kids need the job even more than people without, and have an interest in denouncing people who claim kids make you less productive. There's also the second order effect in which "with kids" is correlated with "older".

The net of it though is that devs with kids tend to assign work a lower priority, to take fewer risks, to need more money, and to be older and hence less familiar with new technologies (and too busy to learn in their free time).

Society doesn't have a good answer for this situation yet. In times past, technology didn't move so fast that experience was mostly obsolete (and hence useless) in a decade's time. A 40 year old farmer with kids in 1713 would probably have much to teach a young whippersnapper. The same isn't true for a 40 year old programmer with kids in 2013.

I think people mention children because a child depend on the parents far more than most people think. It's much easier to find time for yourself, or with your spouse, while working a lot, than it is with a child. I can spend time with my wife nearly every evening, or work on hobby projects - I barely have 1 hour with both my children in weekdays after school. So if my employer starts to take my weekend, I'm looking for a new job where I can also be a father.

Those who prefer the 100-hour weeks will no doubt say work is the number one priority. See "saving money for the future" vs. "spending money in case you die tomorrow" as other examples.

Then those people should probably think long and hard about having families, right?

I'm of the opinion that if you really want to devote yourself to a career, you should skip having kids. Interestingly, the same traits that help in career advancement (hard work, willingness to sacrifice) are the same traits that help foster a successful marriage and family. Certainly, a few people can pull off both, but I suspect those people are the exceptions, not the rule.

Plus family happens now for many of us, and not later. Kids need their parents, not their money. Its a grave mistake that hurts badly your closest ones for life to prioritize excellence in 1 direction over everything else, especially them.

I'll always have endless amount of respect of people raising their kids properly themselves into mature, happy adults who know what they want in life and go for it, even if it means they just worked to live. I don't have even a cubic picometer of respect for folks who end up doing the opposite, regardless of what they achieved professionally. This world needs new generation of balanced adults much much more than some search optimized by 0.1% or some marginally improved social graph monetization.

Of course not everybody wants, needs or can create a family, that's fine but another topic, then I agree with you more.

There are exceptions. Some people don’t respond well to the stresses of family life and want to escape to the office. Hopefully these people decide not to have children in the first place.

So, I guess we all need to develop a 'family-centered' philosophy or life more than a 'work-centered'. I find this rather compelling, albeit difficult to tackle (because it is likely you spend more 'conscious' time at job than with your family).

So, as you say, it is a problem of a fine-tuning of one's own values.

Not that I am suggesting 'crap jobs' are good for anyone. But that one has to value 'family success' much more than 'job success'.

>If you have children or a significant other, think how much time you spend with them. Do you get burnt out from it?

Side note, but, I see you've never had children ;-). I love my kid but take it from me, having a toddler is really tough. Guess how much coding I've done outside my actual job in the last 2 years?

Of course family remains #1 priority afterwards, but there is enough flexibility to go along with a demanding job (provided you like said job).

I've been working remotely for the larger part of may "young father years" so I guess this helped a lot, too.

Job may not be everything, just as kids may not be everything (find my a homeless person who has had kids and tell me his life is perfect), but that doesn't mean that a career can't be enjoyable and a big positive in your life, not just a necessity.

They will tell themselves sweet little lies all day about how their need for external validation and appearance of being busy / important is actually in service of their family.

They lack the ability to reflect, put something more important above them when there is no validation, and won’t take honest ownership either.

Work/life balance is important for everyone.