Look, I’m not talking about abusive marriages. For people without a college degree, 60% of marriages will end before the kids are independent and in their own two feet. Most of those don’t involve involve abuse.

> but do people get into that much financial trouble from divorce usually?

Yes. For the average middle class family, having to split into two households is incredibly financially disruptive. Most middle class couples aren’t in a position where one person can take over the housing payment alone. That means moving, potentially changing schools, etc. And there’s a ton of other shared expenses that each parent now has to pay separately.

> What about child support?

For a non-college educated man making the median $36,000 a year, child support here in Maryland works out to $567 per month. That doesn’t come close to offsetting the support of the other householder.

Is it really that easy?

I'm currently 23, and if/when I ever get married, regardless of who brings in the income (both of us, just me, or just her), I would support whoever I married even if they lost their job or had some other hardship. You hear about people getting cancer or some other sickness and their spouse leaving them because they don't want to deal with it. It boggles my mind that these things occur.

If you weren't going to truly commit to the person, why would you get married? Just live together instead. Or get married without saying the vows if you just want the government benefits. I don't understand.

It's not just limited to spouses. It sounds like some of his children could have supported him as well. If something happened to my father, I would do everything I could to take care of him, regardless of what it cost me.

I'm curious of other HNers take on this. Has anyone been in a situation like this?

That means a half of it is beyond my control. I can try to be a great partner. And I can find someone who seems like they would be a reliable partner. But no one can perfectly predict other people; sometimes people change. And if my partner happens to meet someone more attractive and decides to upgrade... there is not much I can do about it. I have seen people who seemed like happy couples, then one of them met someone else and decided they no longer felt happy in the existing relationship.

> You pay child support if you are married too, it just is called "parenthood" rather than child support. [...] And again, you pay alimony if you are married too. It is just called "supporting my stay-at-home spouse".

You are right that a married man contributes financially to his family. But he is also involved in the decisions. At the very least, after the children grow up, he can encourage his wife to take a part-time job again, and maybe a full-time job later. If instead, depending on the specific laws at given state, he is legally required to pay his ex-wife indefinitely, she has no reason to change the situation.

Also, it is cheaper to live together, and more expensive to live apart. Two houses are usually more expensive than one, even if they are small ones. You can save a lot of money by cooking together, sharing household appliances, maybe sharing a car, etc. So the divorce naturally increases the total costs of living of the people involved. Paying half of the increased costs is more expensive than paying half of the original costs.

Then there is also the fact that in marriage the man gets something in return. Like, he brings home the salary, but his wife cooks for them both. After divorce, he keeps paying, but now he is getting nothing in return.

tl;dr - divorce is more expensive than marriage, and it is partially out of your control whether it happens

Most men would freak out there. Instead of taking it personally, he was practical about it and helped put her through school, saying that the kids came before both of them, and she needed to be able to support herself. He didn't make her feel trapped or beg her or insult her, he just set about practically so they could run two households effectively if they needed to. It turned out, they didn't need to, now they run one very successful household.

I really admire his stoic practicality there. In a place where a lot of men would freak out, he was calm, sympathetic, yet unfailingly practical. He was willing to have his marriage end on a practical note, but instead it wound up keeping his marriage together and building a very strong family. A very, very insightful guy, I was very lucky to cross paths from him and get the opportunity to learn some really important lessons.

But isn't that still directly related to finances? The article kind of touches on the same point, where women are "giving up on men" who are not in a good financial position. Not having your finances sorted out with a former partner would also question one's financial position. If one wants to explore other partners after a relationship breakdown, there is social pressure to get one's finances in order.

> If you ever imagine re-marrying

But circling back, you pointed out that the most common reason people get married is for financial reasons. So it seems the reason for divorce, in order to prepare for another marriage, is still for financial reasons.

Which makes sense as the modern marriage contract doesn't cover anything other than financial attributes. Maybe there was an earlier age where there was more to it, but we don't uphold those values anymore.

And I suspect both would just as incorrect, at least by omission. The glass thing is a useful article hook, but it's unlikely that it encompasses the sole reason their marriage fell apart. There is a deeper issue here, about neither side being willing to sacrifice for the other that likely really lies at fault.

I like the idea that a really good relationship is a 60/40 compromise, where both sides are struggling to be the 60. It sounds like both sides of this marriage were struggling to be the 40.

I'm suggesting that the main concern should be the well-being of the children. Most marriages fail, because the spouses get bored and tired of each other, and feel that the grass could be greener somewhere else. I don't think that's good enough a reason for divorce. At least wait until the children have left the home.

The evidence shows, on average, divorcees end up poorer and less happy than couples who stick together through tough times. The evidence shows, again on average, the children of divorcees are worse off.

The problem is people are amazing at self-deception. They are terrible judges as to whether they are going to be happier/better off post-divorce.

I don't have all the answers. But its clear that sticking together is more often than not the right strategy.

So where I live, the standard for alimony is 1 year for every 3 that you are married. On top of that, if you're married 20+ years they think you should pay for life. There is no law that states this and couples are free to decide whatever they can agree to, but once layers are involved you're at a more significant financial risk the longer you stay married.

In short, if you honestly believe it will not work you should get out sooner rather than later. It will be better for both of you. Not sure about the kids though, but living under a broken relationship isn't good for them either.

If the kids small, and they can’t work, then it’s possible to get trapped in a marriage for financial reasons...

My interpretation is that the divorce was somewhat unexpected as there were no major issues besides the 'little things,' but he largely feels that the divorce was out of his locus of control. He's then compensating to assert that it really was in his control, and also severely criticizing himself with emotionally charged language for letting the divorce happen.

Given the information at the time, I don't think the divorce was avoidable. If anything, the ex-spouse at least has an iota responsibility to identify the feelings of neglect, rather than pointing out the neglectful habits without reflecting on why she was so bothered them.

It would be healthiest for him to let it go, and find happiness elsewhere in life (e.g. with another partner and pursuit) and move on as much as possible (though it's hard as he has a kid). It's hard to see him really make the divorce part of his identity, the point where he publishes a book about it, writes in The Atlantic, and even offers divorce counseling services at the end.

My mother was shocked that I supported my parents' divorce. She couldn't imagine how I wasn't devastated. They screamed at each other frequently. They'd stayed together "for the kids," and that was a nightmare.

Finally, what kind of woman has no career goals? Usually one with little or no education. Educated men usually aren't interested in such women, unless they're both highly conservative and religious.

This is pretty common among men, but what happens if you get divorced? Any plan-b?