First of all, don’t stress about explaining “what’s wrong” to a therapist before you meet them, or let this become a barrier to you getting started (I fell into this trap for years myself). A simple “Hi my name is X and I’ve been been thinking about finding a therapist to work on some issues with. When would you be available for an initial call?” is perfectly sufficient.
A thing people say about therapy is that it’s like a bit like dating. Don’t be discouraged if it takes a few tries to find someone who is accepting new patients and feels like a good fit (most will offer a free consultation as well to help you evaluate this). Give them a fair shot, a few sessions at least (I was skeptical of a therapist I was randomly assigned ~10yrs ago, but he swiftly cured a very acute case of hypochondria that had bubbled up out of nowhere. However, you should move on to the next one if it really isn’t working—unlike dating, your therapist won’t be hurt (or if they are, then they have the tools to deal with it right?). This is probably the best directory for finding local therapists: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
The conversation simply evolves from there. Over time, you will occasionally pull out surprising memories and insights from the depths of your mind like the proverbial Mary Poppins bag. There’s a lot in all of us to unpack, and they are there to facilitate that process.
A common attitude (again, one I’ve suffered myself) toward therapy is: “What will a therapist tell me that I don’t already know? I can solve these problems on my own if I actually tried.” Maybe, but the operative word phrase here is “actually tried”. Actively reflecting on your thoughts/emotions/actions and vocalizing them to another person for an hour is challenging, but it is therapeutic in and of itself. It’s very hard to do on your own, and sometimes take a probing question or two to dislodge a blind spot.
Also, if you want to listen to some real therapy sessions (intermixed with lecture content on the theory and research behind a common type of therapy), these lectures on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy are excellent. It follows a few different people from the very beginning (skeptical of or unsure about therapy or what their deeper issues are) through their process of improvement via weekly sessions/assignments. It can really help demystify therapy for the unfamiliar: (https://www.audible.com/pd/Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy-Audi...)
It's like dating where each bad date costs $250+. (Around here, the initial appointment is not free and often costs extra.) Obviously the process works for some people, but it is dauntingly difficult. And phone/video therapy, these days, is especially ineffective.
I don't like listing complaints, instead of a productive comment like yours. Obviously, some people make it work, but maybe you need to know people with similar personalities and similar issues, to get recommendations?
The process is daunting, and the mental healthcare system is deserving of extensive complaint. I have had my own “bad dates”. My fav: I was suffering extreme burnout and had just had my car stolen, among other things. I found a therapist. On our initial appointment, he bloviated about his academic pedigree and how it “wasn’t his first rodeo”, then dismissed my problems as not knowing what I wanted out of life (I was getting an MS in math while working full-time). Cost? $400.
Not long after that I (spoiler alert) needed a psychiatrist. It took me 30 calls to find someone with availability. I punched a hole in my wall around call #20.
As recently as last Fall, I was still spinning my wheels, delaying the unpleasant search process for a therapist. I was so frustrated with “the system” that it short-circuited any desire to make the effort. There were at least four major barriers:
1) communication anxiety — worried about explaining myself and my problems to a prospective therapist. [addressed in my previous comment—keep any introduction email/call extremely simple.]
2) financial anxiety — as with all healthcare in the US, the amount you pay is a random variable. Maybe it will be a waste? Maybe I will go bankrupt? [if you have insurance, find someone on your plan using the Psychology Today search filters—they also often list the cost. if not, there are other free or low-cost resources available, but it’s context/location dependent. some potential options include the VA, school/college therapy, counseling programs @ your employer, therapists in-training, various community/nonprofit organizations. ask a trusted friend to help you search, it can alleviate some of the frustration. you can ask me.]
3) avoidance anxiety — embarrassment around explaining my life story. Why and how should I explain the fact that I smoke weed 10x a day (a true 10x developer over here) to cope with my issues, when I could simply roll another joint? [one role of the therapist is to be a non-judgmental sounding board and co-strategizer—they aren’t your coworker, parent, partner, etc. this is a hard mindset to learn, even for me to this day. I find myself saying things I think my therapist wants to hear. as a corollary: ER docs have seen the full Cartesian product of injuries from {objects} x {orifices}. whatever you come in with is not as unique or embarrassing as you think. they do this all day long.]
4) perfectionism — “Yeah I’m sure this therapist can help someone get over a breakup or their dead cat, but I’m a special brand of fucked up and they won’t get it. I need to find a someone that is perfectly specialized in my personality/problems, or it will be a waste. Also they need to have a PhD from a good school, female, not too young or too old, not ...”. [just a reminder that this is not a search for your soulmate. a student therapist or MSW may be more effective for you than a famous professor with books and accolades (see above). anecdata: the two therapists that I hand-selected didn’t pan out for me at all. the two that were chosen for me at random were a wonderful fit.]
Finally, I would push back on the idea that remote therapy is ineffective. Telehealth in general is proving to be pretty effective, and with therapy they don’t need to interact with any physical structures. The only thing that is slightly diminished is nonverbal cues, but that’s not insurmountable. There are a lot of advantages: significantly more options (no location constraints), easy to schedule and keep appointments, can be more comfortable to not be physically present, and no stressful driving. I recently did a therapy appointment call from the Appalachian Trail!
First of all, don’t stress about explaining “what’s wrong” to a therapist before you meet them, or let this become a barrier to you getting started (I fell into this trap for years myself). A simple “Hi my name is X and I’ve been been thinking about finding a therapist to work on some issues with. When would you be available for an initial call?” is perfectly sufficient.
A thing people say about therapy is that it’s like a bit like dating. Don’t be discouraged if it takes a few tries to find someone who is accepting new patients and feels like a good fit (most will offer a free consultation as well to help you evaluate this). Give them a fair shot, a few sessions at least (I was skeptical of a therapist I was randomly assigned ~10yrs ago, but he swiftly cured a very acute case of hypochondria that had bubbled up out of nowhere. However, you should move on to the next one if it really isn’t working—unlike dating, your therapist won’t be hurt (or if they are, then they have the tools to deal with it right?). This is probably the best directory for finding local therapists: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
Most will give you a set of questionnaires to complete before or during your first appointment (e.g.: https://www.uwgb.edu/UWGBCMS/media/Continueing-Professional-...). This gives them a coarse baseline of what’s going on.
The conversation simply evolves from there. Over time, you will occasionally pull out surprising memories and insights from the depths of your mind like the proverbial Mary Poppins bag. There’s a lot in all of us to unpack, and they are there to facilitate that process.
A common attitude (again, one I’ve suffered myself) toward therapy is: “What will a therapist tell me that I don’t already know? I can solve these problems on my own if I actually tried.” Maybe, but the operative word phrase here is “actually tried”. Actively reflecting on your thoughts/emotions/actions and vocalizing them to another person for an hour is challenging, but it is therapeutic in and of itself. It’s very hard to do on your own, and sometimes take a probing question or two to dislodge a blind spot.
Also, if you want to listen to some real therapy sessions (intermixed with lecture content on the theory and research behind a common type of therapy), these lectures on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy are excellent. It follows a few different people from the very beginning (skeptical of or unsure about therapy or what their deeper issues are) through their process of improvement via weekly sessions/assignments. It can really help demystify therapy for the unfamiliar: (https://www.audible.com/pd/Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy-Audi...)
PS—Keep asking good questions.
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