If that is what you took from my post, you’re mistaken.
People should not be emotionally abusive. But they are. They attain positions of power.
Through reflection you may come to realize they are among people you consider friends or family.
You can’t “fix” them, but you can learn how to handle or avoid them.
Sometimes, if a person looks inward and into their past they will find a pattern of people who have taken advantage of them.
If that’s the case there may be work to do, like:
- confront these past abuses
- recognize those that are ongoing and how to navigate them
- build and practice skills in recognizing and dealing with new toxic people going forward
Life is hard and we get taught things unevenly.
It is not a wrong to be ignorant of an important life skill.
And even when you have read all of the evidence and logic needed to recognize and change your circumstances, some wait far too long, or never do.
I do not blame folks in these positions, my heart goes out to them. Because I have been there.
edit:
I did not expect this chain to get the attention it did. And I had to look up victim blaming, because it sounds awful and I needed to understand if I got this wrong. I make mistakes.
I'm not going to try and further explain myself. If folks do not like this feedback, they may leave it. I will accept that some of my advice may be problematic. I'm not a therapist and I crafted these posts in the same speed and style I comment on technology platforms.
This is honestly not a subject I want to go into greater detail about today. I hope the empathy behind my words shows through and wish anyone in any toxic situation at home or work the best.
Sounds like the kind of person who wouldn't last long in jail. "Hey you really shouldn't let him steal your peach cobbler. You need to push back." and gets his ass shived nine times.
The poster you're responding to is dispensing advice on how to handle and escape from predators. Accusing them of victim shaming is wrong, and you're just siding supporting the predators by doing so. It's good advice.
"to is dispensing advice on how to handle and escape from predator"
No - his advice of 'applying assertion' is definitely wrong in this context, where the advice should be 1) leave or 2) bend like a reed in the wind and avoid avoid avoid. Reacting to antagonizing - even if the victim knew how to do it, would likely yield more blowback - and more likely, the victim would have no idea how to assert themselves.
The situation is not like 'physical assault' where you have nothing to lose from fighting back.
Inability to pushback is not a function of decision or character, it's a function of the crazy power dynamic.
If the victim had US citizenship, it would have been much easier to hold ground, for example.
Because that's exactly what you're saying. It's abusive because you're not in control. When you say there is something the victim can do to stop the abuse you're saying they're in control therefore it's not abusive. It's not abuse if you can say, "no" and it stops.
> Sometimes, if a person looks inward and into their past they will find a pattern of people who have taken advantage of them.
If someone has moved one far enough from the original trauma in order to work towards self-development, that's good advice to them. But in this case, they are still dealing with the fallout. Your advice is extolling them to work on themselves rather than trying to bring the perpetrators to justice and seek restitution from those who did them wrong. In other words, you're placing burden on the wronged rather than focusing on those who wronged them. That's victim blaming.
I think bredren is oversimplifying a bit but not victim-blaming. Bullies choose their victims and they choose situations where their victims are unlikely to succeed in seeking justice. The article provides a clear example: if an junior manager wants a scapegoat to cover-up a failure, an immigrant on a limited visa is just perfect.
People should not be emotionally abusive. But they are. They attain positions of power.
Through reflection you may come to realize they are among people you consider friends or family.
You can’t “fix” them, but you can learn how to handle or avoid them.
Sometimes, if a person looks inward and into their past they will find a pattern of people who have taken advantage of them.
If that’s the case there may be work to do, like:
- confront these past abuses
- recognize those that are ongoing and how to navigate them
- build and practice skills in recognizing and dealing with new toxic people going forward
Life is hard and we get taught things unevenly.
It is not a wrong to be ignorant of an important life skill.
And even when you have read all of the evidence and logic needed to recognize and change your circumstances, some wait far too long, or never do.
I do not blame folks in these positions, my heart goes out to them. Because I have been there.
edit:
I did not expect this chain to get the attention it did. And I had to look up victim blaming, because it sounds awful and I needed to understand if I got this wrong. I make mistakes.
Here's the wikipedia article on Victim Blaming for those who want to learn more about what this phrase means: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_blaming
I'm not going to try and further explain myself. If folks do not like this feedback, they may leave it. I will accept that some of my advice may be problematic. I'm not a therapist and I crafted these posts in the same speed and style I comment on technology platforms.
This is honestly not a subject I want to go into greater detail about today. I hope the empathy behind my words shows through and wish anyone in any toxic situation at home or work the best.
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