Strange. I found that my children have caused me to be much more disciplined, productive, and organized. It's just that much of my energy now goes toward raising good kids.
What I found is that I'm the same person, but having children changed my perspective. I'm more conscious of how I spend my time so I hopefully waste less and still have time for both my family and myself.
In my experience, kids do make you 2x-3x more efficient, at least. You can only do so much real work in a day and you're forced to move that work into a smaller time interval. However, your mileage may vary.
I think the positive outlook given my parents simply stems from the fact that they wouldn't make a different decision if they had to do it all over again, even if it was a giant pain in the ass. It's less of an unconcious aversion to admitting mistakes and more that, after all is said and done, they would rather have their child (and the memories of them) than to spend 18 more years being childless. Childlessness is fun but it does lose novelty, and some things are worth it even though they can be hard.
I'm curious about the timing. Many people seem to find it more difficult to maintain this level of dedication after they have kids. What made things different in your case?
Having kids (3 so far, 3, 5, and 7) helps me prioritize my time better. Before getting married and having kids, I was all over the place, had poor routines and probably some unhealthy habits in terms of diet and sleep. Having other people depend on you changes your priorities quickly.
Also, it's very difficult at times, but incredibly rewarding, more so than even the best programming highs I've had, when you can see a new thing one of your kids learned, and realize you were part of that.
Their imagination also keeps my brain a bit more flexible, especially as I try to join in their own crazy fun. And being able to act more like a kid with them also keeps me loose and a little crazy, which helps me to be more positive and, maybe, 'chipper', in my interactions with workmates. At least I think so.
Again, there are very difficult times as a parent. But the highs are so much higher when they come, and I would not trade it for being back in the bachelor mentality and spending more of my live donating overtime to a corporation (though there are some very positive things from that part of my life too, and I have some friends who would probably not thrive as parents!).
3 kids. I agree, having children increased my focus and discipline immensely.
However, as time goes by I'm realizing that it's going to be extremely difficult (nearly impossible) to spend the time I need to spend between my normal job and family requirements to getting my web app and associated business up and running. I'm keeping at it, though.
Whether they use up your energy or they force you to reevaluate and drop unimportant things to focus on what matters, depends on your individual experience.
For myself, having a child made me extremely career focused.
I have four kids and I still find time to speak at conferences, write the occasional blog post, and work on side projects. One thing for me is that having kids has forced me to be better organized. So even though I can't spend an entire Saturday working on a project anymore, I get a lot more done with the time I have.
I'm very new to having a kid but so far I've found it's helped focus my time more efficiently by getting better at multi-tasking, and then the remaining "interests" time is spent with a serious, no-time-to-waste approach.
Also, you might be surprised at what having a kid does to you, in a good way. Like PG mentions in his essay, once people have kids they tend to be their focus, and it's satisfying to guide them and see them grow.
I found having kids added more context to my life. Prior to kids I was doing things for my wife and my self, which is fine, but after kids I was forced to grow into myself more and really set my values and my priorities. I matured significantly after having children, to the point where I even look back at my childless antics as childish.
Sure, things in my life peeled away after having children, but I also gained a tremendous amount as well.
It’s all perspective. Enjoy the ride, don’t regret your children.
There's something to be said for that. My kids do require a lot of attention and work and I sometimes I feel very tired out and short on time to get things done before crawling into bed for enough sleep to be productive at the office the next day. However, even though I really enjoy creative technology work at my job, on average my relationships with my kids give me greater satisfaction than any projects I work on. Maybe not everyone would feel the same way after having kids, but for a lot of us parents I think it's a natural thing that occurs within us that's very helpful for motivating one to give love and care towards a child amidst myriad other demands. I've heard many other parents confirm that they feel something they had never felt before, and that definitely pushes us through the tough times when parenting and provides a lot of enjoyment that might have been difficult to imagine beforehand.
It's strange that it reduces kids to a chore (although kid-related chores are WAY more numerous than the childless can ever imagine). Some of the time spent with my kid is restorative; indeed, much of the resistance to returning from the home-office has to do with wanting to spend time with the kids.
Having children is a good thing for the soul. We're supposed to have them, it's in our DNA. Something is out of whack with contemporaneity -- the time is out of joint -- when we can only see them as a cost center.
I've heard from other Dads that having a kid vastly improved their time management skills and they only realized after how much time they were leaving unused before. Even with kids, the over-under shakes out better for them.
Having children really changes you as an individual, especially as you start your family. Your priorities become different and I think both of you are correct in mentioning the motivation for providing and creating a safe environment for the family unit really arises in the individual, almost innately.
Exactly the same :) the guilt of not spending time with my kids and my wife is too much. There have been times where I've tried to sit down and work on something but it's no fun when there's a strong feeling of "I should be spending this time with my family".
The other thing I've noticed is that the separation and challenge of raising children has made me more productive. You don't know stress until you've had a newborn. There are things at work that used to affect me and I look back now and think "how was that even a problem?"
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