It's strange that it reduces kids to a chore (although kid-related chores are WAY more numerous than the childless can ever imagine). Some of the time spent with my kid is restorative; indeed, much of the resistance to returning from the home-office has to do with wanting to spend time with the kids.
Having children is a good thing for the soul. We're supposed to have them, it's in our DNA. Something is out of whack with contemporaneity -- the time is out of joint -- when we can only see them as a cost center.
In my experience, kids do make you 2x-3x more efficient, at least. You can only do so much real work in a day and you're forced to move that work into a smaller time interval. However, your mileage may vary.
I think the positive outlook given my parents simply stems from the fact that they wouldn't make a different decision if they had to do it all over again, even if it was a giant pain in the ass. It's less of an unconcious aversion to admitting mistakes and more that, after all is said and done, they would rather have their child (and the memories of them) than to spend 18 more years being childless. Childlessness is fun but it does lose novelty, and some things are worth it even though they can be hard.
The nice thing about having kids is that it forces you to think about time.
It's the time that rolls on whether you are present or not. It's the time when you said something to your kids and you realized you are becoming your father or your mother. It's the happy times and the sad times, it's the times of intense passions and times of gentleness. It's the time of living fully, without regrets, the time with the people you love, walking the path with purpose.
There's something to be said for that. My kids do require a lot of attention and work and I sometimes I feel very tired out and short on time to get things done before crawling into bed for enough sleep to be productive at the office the next day. However, even though I really enjoy creative technology work at my job, on average my relationships with my kids give me greater satisfaction than any projects I work on. Maybe not everyone would feel the same way after having kids, but for a lot of us parents I think it's a natural thing that occurs within us that's very helpful for motivating one to give love and care towards a child amidst myriad other demands. I've heard many other parents confirm that they feel something they had never felt before, and that definitely pushes us through the tough times when parenting and provides a lot of enjoyment that might have been difficult to imagine beforehand.
The first two years of having a child have been 70% crap, 20% sleep, 10% rewarding moments.
There are a couple of up-sides:
- The rewarding moments are pretty cool, and there are more all the time.
- You don't appreciate free time until you have none. I no longer procrastinate and overall I think I get more things done than I did with unlimited free time.
Agreed. One suspects the concept of quality time came in with the rising incidence of divorce.
Where quality time implies some kind of performance or role, which is stressful, hanging out with one's children is wonderful. I find that the compensations more than make up for the difficulties.
I enjoy the company of people who are totally open and forgiving. I get the profound satisfaction of watching them learn. I re-experience and understand anew certain aspects of my own childhood.
Yes, there's work involved, but children like helping too, and can actually help significantly as they get older.
Yet society seems to have things the wrong way around. The zeitgeist has it that marriage and children are something to be put off until one is ready to 'settle down'. Children are an inconvenience and a financial burden which interfere with socialising and career advancement. For example:
Strange. I found that my children have caused me to be much more disciplined, productive, and organized. It's just that much of my energy now goes toward raising good kids.
This might sound stupid but as a parent, we think a lot about our kids and if you ask me to talk about them, I'm going to talk for hours. For that reason I try to avoid it unless prompted, and I don't recommend children unless prompted.
That being said, I wouldn't feel anywhere this fulfilled if I didn't have children, I haven't regretted having them. I would have probably gone up to 4 if society did not make it this hard (economically speaking but many things become annoying too).
There is so much free time without children, no doubt. Doing nothing on the weekend is a pleasure I can only enjoy in small chunks, since I usually must do something for them.
One thing that seems to be missing from the debate here is that spending time with your kids is actually fun, it's something that's nice to do and really isn't a sacrifice.
I know no-one who spends time with their kids out of a sense of obligation (and trust me, your kids would work out if that's what you were doing and really not want you about) - in spending time with my daughters instead of in the office, I'm doing what I want to do, not what I feel I should do.
I love my kids... but I've never had the rosy "they make my life complete" vibe that a lot of other people talk about.
Maybe there's something wrong with me?
Kids are a tremendous time and money sink. Nightly storytime, getting down on the floor to play with them, encouraging them as they experiment with art/music/dancing/etc, taking them to the playground/pool/skating/etc every weekend... those hours used to be for programming, learning, video games, dating, movies, friends, "alone time", and everything else I gave up on or cut WAY back on in order to make space in my life for my kids.
Looking back on my life, I think I would do it again... so I guess there's some benefit to it all. But damn if I can see it or articulate it.
Having kids (3 so far, 3, 5, and 7) helps me prioritize my time better. Before getting married and having kids, I was all over the place, had poor routines and probably some unhealthy habits in terms of diet and sleep. Having other people depend on you changes your priorities quickly.
Also, it's very difficult at times, but incredibly rewarding, more so than even the best programming highs I've had, when you can see a new thing one of your kids learned, and realize you were part of that.
Their imagination also keeps my brain a bit more flexible, especially as I try to join in their own crazy fun. And being able to act more like a kid with them also keeps me loose and a little crazy, which helps me to be more positive and, maybe, 'chipper', in my interactions with workmates. At least I think so.
Again, there are very difficult times as a parent. But the highs are so much higher when they come, and I would not trade it for being back in the bachelor mentality and spending more of my live donating overtime to a corporation (though there are some very positive things from that part of my life too, and I have some friends who would probably not thrive as parents!).
You're right that it costs time and money, but I don't see that as proof that parents have to stop living their own lives or become boring.
I do all the things listed above. I also have kids. They aren't incompatible.
The biggest lesson I learnt when we had our first kid was that I really wasn't as efficient at spending my time and money as I'd thought. Once the time constraints hit I became a lot more intentional about how I invested both, and the quality of my personal achievements has gone up as a result.
Don't have kids until/unless you're ready, but don't assume they're going to destroy your personal life either. There's lots of room for personal goals and growth even with kids. You still have a lot of control over your own life. After the first year of chaos anyway :)
I have three boys, aged 6 months to 4 years. It is extremely hard work and a major life change, especially if you get started in your 30s (as I did) after having already established yourself financially and professionally (yes, the resources makes it easier, but you've also had the time and resources to habituate yourself to a comfortable and self-oriented life, and you're not quite as robust as you were in your 20s, when an all-nighter was not a big deal). It also puts strains on even strong marriages.
But it has lots of irreplaceable moments and provides a general sense of satisfaction for well-spent effort. I echo several comments on the joy of seeing my boys develop as people, learn, ask questions, and explore. Even the squabbles bring back fond memories of my own childhood tussles with my two brothers, and how those interactions are part of children learning how to relate to other people.
Aside from all that, once they are born (and beforehand for my wife and me), the profound sense of duty to care for them compels putting any thoughts of self aside. We alone chose to create them and we alone are responsible for raising them to be good adults. I'm not going to shirk such an important duty in life. Such a sense of duty is a cultural norm encouraged by community moral condemnation of those who fail to adhere. I reluctantly support such condemnation as essential for the successful continuation of our civilization. As such, I say that parents who shirk their duties are committing a moral wrong and should be criticized.
The article doesn't come out and say it, but it seems to suggest that this is widespread. I don't think that is true. Watching my parents' generation embrace grand-parenthood, and the explicit statements that many of them make about the importance of family, convinces me that the vast majority push through the tough parts and find the overall experience to be the most important thing they did in life.
Final point, and one that I am cautious to make for not wanting to offend anyone needlessly: I know plenty of singles and couples who are childless, and several that are childless by choice. Suffice it to say that my anecdotal view is that sadness, eccentricity, and empty hedonism seem to develop over time in these couples, especially in the women.
If you have kids, you're committing to an experience that is more full of meaning and joy than anything else you can do.
But a huge fraction of the time is just work or suck-- far more than you get to revel in that meaning and joy. And you give up a lot of other options. And there's no escape from the struggle.
(I'm a father of 3 boys; they're awesome; I don't regret my choice. Though, it would be 10x better if I could have the best of both worlds and take a true break for a week or two every now and then ;)
Having children is a good thing for the soul. We're supposed to have them, it's in our DNA. Something is out of whack with contemporaneity -- the time is out of joint -- when we can only see them as a cost center.
reply