Exactly. Plus this article made me quite nostalgic for the days of having only one child… it’s fun doing chores with toddlers provided you don’t really need them done and nobody else wants your attention!
Having money and spending it to make other people do your boring stuff is a pretty effective life optimization. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, lawn care, car maintenance—even driving—can all be bought, so you barely have to do any of it again, if you've got money. You can—and most with means do, I think—just make almost any of this "this is what life mostly is" boring crap go away, unless you actually enjoy it more than what you might be doing instead.
Making the tedious parts of raising a kid go away is a lot more expensive than making the normal adult boring stuff go away, though. Also if you're not fairly damn rich (i.e. rich enough not to need a real job) the boring parts will be most of the time you spend with your kids by a large margin, so you'll be reluctant to outsource that even if you can afford to. That's even more true if you're not paying to have the rest of your boring stuff done by someone else ("sorry honey, maybe we can play blocks later, I'm cooking dinner because if I don't we won't, you know, have any" but then later it's bath time then story and bed and maybe you squeeze in 10min of blocks if you're lucky)
It's possible because some of us have very supportive wives who have made a lot of sacrifices regarding their own careers. Even then, it was hard in the early years, and we never subscribed to the whole farming-the-job-out-to-a-nanny mindset, believing that since we chose to have kids, we should probably raise them ourselves rather than outsourcing it.
But on the upside, time flies once you have kids and before you know it they're teenagers and barely speak to you anymore ;) Then you suddenly find yourself with all this spare time again. On the downside, in the intervening years you've developed a serious Netflix habit that's proving tricky to kick...
I'm sorry you feel that way. I was apprehensive about having kids, and it's certainly true that it's been a big change to my life where I now can't do a lot of the things I used to enjoy doing. However, I find that I'm a lot happier when I don't go around focusing on what I can no longer do but on the enjoyable things in my current life.
We all have aspects of our life that are less enjoyable, but focusing on those do nothing but make you less happy. I'd encourage you to look into Stoic philosophy for advice on how to focus on what's good and enjoyable in your life.
Strange. I found that my children have caused me to be much more disciplined, productive, and organized. It's just that much of my energy now goes toward raising good kids.
Reading, cooking, handing out with friends, traveling, sleeping, working on personal projects, running, meditating, trying a new life habit, taking a break, organizing, fixing, improving, hiking, rock climbing, creating a new company, catching up on my field of expertise, cleaning, calling people I like, going to the cinema, going to a show, watching tv shows, testing a different tool, meeting new people, doing something that takes time but saves money, going to an event or a party, going to a museum, doing live escape games, playing laser tags, diner with friends, varying on sex, going to a health specialist, caring for my skin or hairs, choosing second hand cool clothes in a thrift shop, working more hours, helping friends with something...
Kids has nothing to do with what I do though. It's a matter of time. Some people without kids still don't have time. They work a lot, or have a hobby that fill up the day or just do things very slowly to enjoy the moment, or live in area where everything takes more time, or have a big commute.
Some people do have kids but have a lot of money and don't wish to spend time with them, hiring somebody to do it. Other just neglect the kids.
So the thing is more: you created a life with kids, you decided to take care of those kids, you agreed it would take a lot of time to make it the way you think it should be done (e.g: they being sane and healthy) and allocated that time to those kids.
Basically it's just like anything else: you decided to add something, here taking care of the kids, that takes time instead of something else. Kids is just a label to it and is no better, or worse, than any other activity.
I never can decide if it's hilarious or sad when 18 year olds proclaim that a life of children + mortgage + work isn't a life of "magic and love". If you're having a boring life with kids around, you're doing it wrong. Sure, people manage it, but don't be like that.
Having a house to do things in and a family to do them with/for has helped breed more creativity and magic in my life than I ever had before when I lived by myself with nothing tying me down.
Before I had kids, I considered myself to be a busy man.
After my first kid was born, I realized how much spare time I actually had when I had no kids.
After my second kid was born, I realized how much spare time I had with only 1 kid.
After my third kid was born - you get the picture (we stopped at 3).
My point? your life is full of unbelievable pile of unimportant things (and by 'unimportant' I don't mean important in some objective, cosmic way, but important by the core values YOU have that can only present themselves when under pressure).
Having kids (or, in a more general way, having much much less free time) will force you to become much better in separating the wheat from the chaff - which is a great thing.
Enjoying life my friend. Wife and kids, they are there to make your life fulfilled, not to be a nuisance or chores, as the tool had one of the fields - I put there 0, I don't have any chores to do in my life.
Well first of all you are violently agreeing with me if you go back and read the second sentence of my last reply.
But to your last point, things you have to do to take care of your kids are emphatically not the same as "I have a thing I want to do". These things are all on a continuum, but kids are far more demanding than hobbies. I'm guessing you don't have kids to make such an equation.
Haha doing shit with my kids is something I should lean into more. We do a lot of vacations of course and those are always a lot of fun,
I think I feel selfish if I spend family time on my interests but that would probably be preferable to a blob of a dad who doesn't have anything he is excited to do.
The whole "does it make my life happier" is such a shallow consumer thing.
When I was younger I led an interesting life in many ways but I have never had the intensity of experience I have with and about my children. Another really surprising thing was finding out how much I connect back with society - I want to be part of society and change it and make it better - I get what it is for.
Children are not a lifestyle accessory and as the poster above says they push you into all sorts of aspects of your self in all sorts of interesting ways.
The mixture of a startup and three small children has certainly been entertaining and there have been times when I am so exhausted I have nothing else to give but then to go and do something simple - like bathing the children or doing something in the garden with them and it makes it all worth while.
As I frequently find myself telling my children: Things in life that aren't challenging aren't worth while (possibly hyperbole but you get my point)
Also, I do want to say it's not like I hate spending time with my kids (setting aside the usual annoyances of dealing with misbehaviors), but in terms of pure hedonism, there's plenty of things I enjoy more that I don't do as much because it would be shitty of me to never be around.
I've heard from other Dads that having a kid vastly improved their time management skills and they only realized after how much time they were leaving unused before. Even with kids, the over-under shakes out better for them.
If you have kids, you're committing to an experience that is more full of meaning and joy than anything else you can do.
But a huge fraction of the time is just work or suck-- far more than you get to revel in that meaning and joy. And you give up a lot of other options. And there's no escape from the struggle.
(I'm a father of 3 boys; they're awesome; I don't regret my choice. Though, it would be 10x better if I could have the best of both worlds and take a true break for a week or two every now and then ;)
Having kids helps with enjoying chores. "No babe, it's OK, I'll take the dishes and listen to my podcast. You just watch the kids."
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