I think you're in a really great situation in life and mental state where "having candidate solutions" was enough to deal with the majority of anxious situations. I think a lot of people are in situations where they can see that their candidate solutions may not have the best chance of success, or that they don't fully resolve the issues, or that there's great residual uncertainty remaining.
Furthermore (my GF pointed this out to me once) - do you ever tell stories about dumb shit you had to do, AFTER you resolved the situation? For example, talk about dumb hoops you had to jump through at work (after you've jumped through them), or some work around in some recipe (because you screwed up at the market)? Think about the motivating factors in telling those stories, and how telling those stories makes you feel, and what you expect in the form of feedback when telling those stories. It's not identical, but it can be similar to what's going on people tell these stories BEFORE resolving the issue.
Sometimes people engage in these situations for multiple reasons. They're looking for their anxiety to be validated, not because they want it to be go away (they're often perfectly understanding of the actual concrete actions they need or can take), but because they want to bond and share and be human. Does it make it all go away? No. But that's not what they're looking for - they're looking to discharge some bad mental state. They're not looking for the "real fix", they're trying to clear their heads of their immediate pain.
No one wants to be interrupted in the middle of a tirade about how stupid Verizon is to be told to switch to Comcast. No one wants to be interrupted while raging against ${politician} with "just vote against ${politician}".
Both approaches (identifying and following up on courses of actions to resolve situations, and short-term venting to keep the mind clear) should work hand in hand - they are complementary, not opposite. While it's tempting to say that clearly the actually resolving strategy is superior, because it could theoretically work in isolation (while venting will clearly not work in isolation in most cases), I don't think it's really realistic.
Anyhow, I hope your strategy keeps working that well for you.
Most folks don't really care what you are doing. Because they don't understand your issues at all. Just say "It was the solution to a problem we were facing. If you want to find another solution, be my guest" and watch their 'anger' disappear quickly.
Be careful with this, too. When somebody brings up problems they’re having, they often just want the catharsis of complaining and empathy about their situation. Proffering a solution, even couched as you have described, can change the conversation dynamic from empathy to a semi-combative back-and-forth which serves no-one’s purpose.
Or the "solution" is for people who have issues but don't want help fixing them not to vent to people who don't have the patience for that. Listening to woe -- especially woe stemming from problems with easy solutions -- is emotionally draining.
Like the GP said, it's a two-way street. Understand your friends and loved ones and compromise.
You tell a story in which you show the problem and the solution besides. There is no other way to create interest. It has to solve a problem of yours (a potential problem may be enough). If you don't know it does, why would you care about the solution?
Or that's my interpretation of the article anyway.
Yes, but there are two issues here. One is getting your trouble resolved. Sadly that means doing some work you shouldn't have to at present. The other is sharing all those experiences so that we can garner momentum to change things.
Telling people not to worry about parts of the problem is often a time management strategy. They want you to move on so you have a chance to show strength in other parts of the problem, or at least come away with the positive experience of finishing something, even though it may count against you.
I used to get stressed listening. Now I just re-frame the problem to solve as "making the other person feel better" -- this way I don't feel the urge to offer solutions.
As engineers and problem solvers, we should know how to define the problem properly.
Definitely. It can help a lot to get to know the details of what's going on and try to make things happen that improve the situation, rather than taking sides. There's a lot of knee-jerk fear reactions that people have to things that have never even happened to them, and they miss the details because of it.
And sometimes, the people around the problems just refuse to collaborate. In those situations, I try my best for a bit, and then go look for something else. We only have so much time and energy, and we already inherit enough intractable problems that "must" be solved to go looking for more.
I'm glad it works for you, but dedicated individual action by someone especially capable and focused on the topic isn't a solution to systemic problems like this. Indeed, hero stories are often used to diminish problems. Systemic problems need systemic solutions.
It's easier to complain than it is to fix, but I also think that's why people don't offer solutions more readily. Solutions are iterative and difficult. If you offer small solutions you put yourself out there to be criticized for the solution not being enough, and if you offer large ones, you open yourself up to criticism that the solution is unrealistic. This is why so few people go into politics and why it can be so dysfunctional in a hyper connected society. All is criticism.
Most problems are hard to "solve" because we entertain the delusion of solutions that don't exist — solutions which tie everything together with a nice bow and require no discomfort or negative emotions of any kind.
Alex Hormozi says "the life you want is on the other side of a few hard conversations."
I would channel that to say, "the solution you're looking for is on the other side of a few uncomfortable feelings."
And usually, it's just the fear of the feelings, not the feelings themselves.
Sure, but usually the problem is decorated in a few layers of bullshit to hide what the true problem is. I remember the core, actual problem, but that wasn't what got presented. So take off another 5 to 10 minutes cutting through that.
Don't take yourself so seriously if that creates anxiety and stress. If everyone around you expects you to be serious about it and that makes you feel uncomfortable in general, take that message from your brain seriously. It can become an everyday torture that takes you down to terrible places. People have praised and deride my solutions. Life goes on either way. I don't solve problems because I want to please people. I solve problems because I want to understand the causes and effects of everything. EVERYTHING! ;)
Furthermore (my GF pointed this out to me once) - do you ever tell stories about dumb shit you had to do, AFTER you resolved the situation? For example, talk about dumb hoops you had to jump through at work (after you've jumped through them), or some work around in some recipe (because you screwed up at the market)? Think about the motivating factors in telling those stories, and how telling those stories makes you feel, and what you expect in the form of feedback when telling those stories. It's not identical, but it can be similar to what's going on people tell these stories BEFORE resolving the issue.
Sometimes people engage in these situations for multiple reasons. They're looking for their anxiety to be validated, not because they want it to be go away (they're often perfectly understanding of the actual concrete actions they need or can take), but because they want to bond and share and be human. Does it make it all go away? No. But that's not what they're looking for - they're looking to discharge some bad mental state. They're not looking for the "real fix", they're trying to clear their heads of their immediate pain.
No one wants to be interrupted in the middle of a tirade about how stupid Verizon is to be told to switch to Comcast. No one wants to be interrupted while raging against ${politician} with "just vote against ${politician}".
Both approaches (identifying and following up on courses of actions to resolve situations, and short-term venting to keep the mind clear) should work hand in hand - they are complementary, not opposite. While it's tempting to say that clearly the actually resolving strategy is superior, because it could theoretically work in isolation (while venting will clearly not work in isolation in most cases), I don't think it's really realistic.
Anyhow, I hope your strategy keeps working that well for you.
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