Online dating is skewed because you have no way to know what someone is really like. All you get is a picture (which may have been photoshopped), and profile data (they might be lieing. If you do date someone you want them to look good because at least if the night was a bust you got to look at someone hot.
This may come off as jokative, but the people that are tricked could always ask for a picture of the person with a newspaper or a love note for proof that they are talking to the actual person, and not just some impersonator.
Personally, I can't get past the fact of falling for someone online. Just today I met one of my online professors and it was awkward, yet online we're both very chatty.
Dating sites - as they are designed - are a game that most men will never win. The best option is to not play it at all or play it by your rules (I remember to read a comment where a fellow HNer assumed to artificially inflate his Instagram followers and getting an huge payoff).
By playing the game, you allow your counterpart to choose instictively/optimally and - digitally and anonymously - reject an huge pool of non-optimal choices. Rejecting in the analog world is difficult and time intensive. This precipitates involuntary/unoptimal choices and the odds of a match for the bottom 80% skyrocket.
Dating IS a game no matter if you're looking for sex or a relationship. It's always a stack of little challenges and responses, and yes, there's also tricking involved. What I implied in my post is that no matter if these online hacks get you where you wanted, in the end you only got there because you were faking accounts just to start a conversation.
Second of all, IRL or online, for me it's about doing it the natural way - you know - talk to people. That's what dating online on dating websites should look like, but from the ammount of 'hacks' and 'howtos' I read about, seems it isn't. If I'm to waste my time playing against bunches of creepos with armies of fake accounts instead of socializing with real girls - sorry, I'm out.
Saying that "not everyone you like will be attracted to you" is a very nice way of putting it
Aren't you replying here to ZoFreX's post above, which is not mine? :)
All I ever find with dating sites is an endless stream of bots and constant 'seen'/'deleted' receipts.
My feeling is I don't have enough "marketable" photos of myself to make the few real users out there take notice among the endless stream of spam they must get.
I end up feeling that the psychological impact from 'playing that game' results in diminishing returns, so fall back to just doing my usual hobbies in the real world and hope in the back of my mind that one day someone might find the things that I do interesting.
For dating profiles I guess you have to expect the fake ones to try their best at being real, while the real ones have been trying their best at being fake since the beginning.
Maybe they will cross paths and it will lead to a match made in heaven.
However, if you've ever used any of these sites with a profile in a sparsely populated rural zip code, it's a pretty grim situation and I can see how fake profiles could arguably make people feel better than having absolutely nothing to even swipe on.
If the fake profiles don't go beyond just filler status, i.e. they don't reply to messages and lead people on, it doesn't strike me as that big of a deal. It's just more like entertainment and time wasting than anything actually helping you find a mate. But if you live somewhere literally devoid of eligible candidates, it's not like the dating web site (or anything other than moving) can fix that.
In my experience it definitely leads to dates, hookups and relationships. While there will be the occasional fake profile or someone who tries to boost their instagram account, it‘s rather rare in my area and easy to distinguish from users with actual dating intentions, regardless of how serious they are.
The problem you have to solve is convincing people to invest time in a stranger. And forgo safety. After a few online dates people learn that writing skills don't always translate to personality. Stunning photos don't mean stunning in person.
So you've done this online? It worked well for you?
So you know the three sentence opener that is going to compensate for a less than attractive picture?
Let's hear it.
Or is your answer just a stand-in to let you morally condemn these others?
In person, one can project confidence, intelligence, humor etc. Online, being unique is bit harder, not just because someone can copy your words but also because you get to use far fewer of them before a decision is made.
I'm not condemning or condoning the original post. But it's telling that a lot of condemnations for "gaming the dating system" that I hear are prefaced by "it's easy, just become more confident/relax/be yourself". Supply-and-demand says that the common measure of "success" in dating aren't inherently easy. They might not be desirable either but that's a different story.
I think online dating with photo does create a real quandary because it gives one very little time and thus makes the likely winners more based on immediate visual factors.
I mean yeah, you can exploit it to your benefit by going full pickup artist with your profile(s) but that's a) a lot of work if you're just trying to get normal dates and b) generally frowned upon in polite society.
I seriously wonder how this will affect online dating. Not that I've dated in quite a few years, but even if I wanted to, I wouldn't go back because last time I did, the proliferation of obnoxious Instagram filters and photoshopping made the experience unenjoyable. Fake people aren't appealing. I would bet that the ease at which the average person can deep fake will only make matters much worse. There will always be a demand for Tinder, Match, Bumble, etc., but they will be strictly used for hookups.(I know some will say that's what they are already for, but people are always making that argument for every dating app, thus I can't take that opinion very seriously) Actual dating will have to either go back into being more in-person or require a third-party to handle photography.
I got tons of matches on Tinder, quite a lot of dates and hook ups, and relationships. I'm passably attractive but nothing much, just above average. I wrote something a little funny in my bio, put up pictures that aren't: in the gym, fishing, driving a car, smiling while standing at some random place, hiking. What I had was pictures of me having fun, not "expected fun" but where I really enjoyed myself, some extremely silly. And a portrait so people could know exactly what I looked like.
I found two long-time partners and a lot of very fun and interesting dates.
I think it worked because I was just genuine and honestly meeting people who I had a conversation that clicked. Don't think I could ever overthink this that much...
This is the real answer. Every guy I know who REALLY has a huge axe to grind with online dating will show me their profile and they will have low quality photos with little effort put in to their profile itself. If someone can't tell what the hell you actually look like or get a good feel for your real personality then why are they going to be interested?
If anything money should be spent on improving the profile itself (you could hire a professional photographer to take some "candid" looking nice photos of yourself + go to a higher end hair cutter, get your clothes tailored, etc etc). All of these things would probably also help you in real life. Worst case you have some great LinkedIn photos or something to send your family and some great fitting clothes to wear to dinner with friends.
You don't improve, you just fake it better. That's what most people do anyway. This is for me the most overlooked problem with privacy. If you have your life out in the open then everyone who has an interest in you can tell you the things you expect to hear without knowing whether they're genuine or just stalking you. It's much easier to flirt someone if you know what movies/music/books she likes, what bars/cafes she visits, what's her political view etc. And this creates a culture of vultures who fake their identities all the time.
Furthermore, I implore anyone who thinks that online dating is easy to create a fake profile with a photo of a semi attractive woman as a test. You get flooded with thousands of requests in no time. I tried it on Facebook and I reached the 5.000 friends limit in just four days. There's no way anyone can reach out and flirt in this mess. You become irrelevant in the noise.
"Instead of trying to use the Internet to solve a problem that is better solved in real-life (i.e. meet people and talk), why not create a whole fiction world where you can be anything you want. Basically, it's a game where you put the profile picture you'd like to have, and the 'about me' you'd like to be. So, you talk with lots of strangers and avoid the awkard thingy while still having fun and meeting people."
This might work for an online game, but not for dating. I've used many of major online dating sites over the years and one of the things that bothers me the most is people mis-representing themselves.
It usually leads to awkward situations and hurt feelings. This is why I try to get a phone number and meet in person as soon as possible.
Your game would have this built-in and only make the situation worse (as far as dating goes).
I've noticed the same technique on dating apps. 9/10 times if the person you're talking to is not real they'll send a 'casual' looking photo after 3-4 back and forth messages, completely unsolicited.
I used to do the same when online dating -- despite many people's claim to the contrary, much of dating is physical (i.e. visual) attraction, so I sent additional pics (natural, not staged) early in the conversation just to find out if it was going to go anywhere... whether solicited or not.
But I was male -- if a super attractive woman sent me pics unsolicited, then I knew it was a scam. (my apologies if any real women were out there that look like super models, but were searching for your true love online if only someone would help you pay for a visa)
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