"Don’t cast your gaze down. When your eyes are clouded, your soul darkens. That means your future is closed to you, and you lose sight of your reasons to live"
The more doors you close the harder it'll be to motivate yourself. Many single mothers taking care of kids who need fathers.
Also, you don't need to love yourself to love others. Some will say to fix yourself before you pursue a relationship but maybe being in one will motivate you because you'll have something to preserve.
Finally, be compassionate to the parts of yourself that are hurting right now.
I went through a powerful emotional breakdown over the past two years, and I have a counter-intuitive recommendation: Give up.
I don't mean abandon your plans or your dreams. I mean accept that your feelings of worthlessness have a connection with your hopes and desires. The more your identity is attached to the Hypothetical Someday, the less good you're going to feel about the you of Here Now Today.
If you accept that you'll probably never get everything that you want, and that you'll never be the person you wish you were (keep in mind, both of those things are moving targets), you can focus on who are now and where you are going.
Don't run from those dark thoughts and embarrassing memories. Invite them in for tea. Let them speak their piece. And then look them square in the eye and say "I don't need you."
Consciousness is a spotlight on a darkened, complex reality. The more you look for the things you don't like about yourself, the more you'll find. The more you find ways you could be better, the more you'll find ways you don't measure up.
Stop looking. Stop trying. Just be. Move forward and grow at whatever pace comes naturally. However far you go, it's better than sitting alone in the corner, wishing that you magically felt different, preventing yourself from doing anything at all.
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."
OP, I would encourage you to interpret "be kind to yourself" may also mean "be confident in recognizing that you have an unmet need, and forgive yourself for the lapses which this has led to, and persist in seeking a way to understand and meet that need."
I say this as someone who reached out for help with when I was at MIT and been told, "It's fine. Everyone struggles. You're doing okay." It remember being just utterly crushed to hear that I was expected to suffer like that.
OP, this situation is hard but debuggable and you are worth it.
My wife made the observation a few years back that anytime she thought, "fuck it" while procrastinating or avoiding responsibilities that you could replace it with, "fuck you, future self"
That phrasing helps immensely. Sometimes it's worth it to push out the pain, but usually it isn't.
You will inevitably make yourself look stupid in a relationship or even on a date. Not getting in there now is just delaying the inevitable. However crippling it is, you will have to face it one day. It's not the same as trying to command yourself into feeling better.
You take that anger and pain, and use it to motivate yourself to become an even better version of you. Rejection is fantastic motivation. If love and life were easy, where would be the thrill? Embrace the journey of self betterment, for the destination is where it ends not where it starts
Will this break 500 comments? A thousand? Good luck, mate.
Yeah, one definitely both wants to grow up and not lose the smiles in the photos of when we were young. I feel you.
What you've described sounds like a spiritual crisis, but I couldn't counsel you through that without knowing you better. I will say this, your world has changed, and that is loss, and loss has to be mourned before you move on to the new season. So give yourself some grace if you're upset with yourself for being upset—no, being upset is natural, it's grief and you can't control it into oblivion.
Chasing a different profession with the idea that that somehow going to make things better is very risky. Could work out, but a lot of girls dump the old abusive boyfriend and find a new abusive boyfriend... You want to make sure you understand why you were attracted to the problem case before you go find another problem case, yes? If you feel like you have adequately done that soul searching, then yeah, follow your gut. But the gut definitely has a bias to retreading the same mistakes again and again, you have to compensate for that bias.
The biggest thing that I will say is, you can't be living as if you'll get everything in order today and start your actual life tomorrow. If you do that you will never recover those looks from the photos from when we were young. This is it: that is your first axiom. It may be weird for a religious person to be telling you that, hah... but even we have the problem, as Hillel’s poem goes, ‘... don't say “I’ll study when I am free” / for maybe you will never be!’
Good luck recovering that brightness of youth. If you are looking for interests, might I suggest binging some podcasts or Teaching Company courses or audiobooks or so, find something that catches your interest there and build up from that initial connection?
(Also worth noting that this isn't particularly bad, in the grand scheme of things. When you are dejected the rose colored glasses come off -- so if you want to keep motivated, build that emotion from reasons that are true even when the alternatives seem quite good.)
Having been on that edge and (luckily) not having the guts, I found that the moment when you can't give yourself the certainty to just do it is somehow even darker than contemplating it.
I hope you have that certainty in hope for a better future with you in it and that things are better for you now.
You need to grow up. It’s hurting and will hurt like hell, but it’s the only way. You are not your work, you got that illusion and higher sense of self because you knew that’s the only thing you have to offer, now you’re starting to realize it’s a dead end.
You may be in a miserable state right now, but you've got the most important thing: your youth. I'm twice your age and still trying to find enough guts to do what you did.
Remember: Nothing, nothing is worse than being late!
OH YES
there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than
too late.
Charles Bukowski
My favorite piece of life advice: It's never too late unless you're dead. So long as you still breathe, you can still do something and make your mark.
No matter how shitty things get, no matter how low you're brought, you can always choose to fight you way back up, and there are many creative ways to do so. It won't be the same as before, but you'll be stronger and people will respect that strength in you.
You can be down, but never allow yourself to be out.
I'm sure you've already heard this a million times, but you telling yourself that you're broken and unfixable is going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy until you decide to stop repeating it. The damage your parents did to you as a child isn't your fault, but you're an adult now and you're responsible for and capable of addressing these things and changing and growing into a better, healthier person.
As someone who's gone through this myself, all I'll say is it's not fun and it's not easy. I had to take a lot of long, hard looks at myself and even when I knew I was making progress frankly I still didn't like what I saw for a long, long time. I questioned whether it was really worth it, and even if I did change what did it matter because no one would love me even if I fixed myself anyways.
But eventually you realize that you're not doing it for anyone else, you're doing it for yourself, and that's the important part. You have to want it for you, because other people will come and go and if you're doing it for them you'll give up once they leave, but you're stuck with yourself forever.
That's when it'll all start to click and things will come together, and you realize people are capable of change and we do get to choose who we want to be, and you decide which parts of yourself are important and work on keeping them, and which parts aren't and work on letting them go.
It's a slow, gradually process but years from now you'll be looking back someday and realize just how far you've come without realizing and know it was all worth it.
Of course I don't expect you to believe any of this right now, that's just human nature, but maybe hopefully it'll set you down the right path at least.
Anyhow happy new year, and just know that someone somewhere is wishing and hoping for a better life for you. I think my email is in my profile, feel free to reach out if you'd ever like to talk about anything at all.
You have an impressive amount of self awareness - I think that's by far the most valuable thing one can possess.
It sounds valuable, but too much self awareness is crippling. You question everything about yourself, and when you realize your own insignificance it's remarkably depressing.
a) Push the baby out by this week.
I'll try, but there's a long way to go. I've never touched jQuery before, and I'm rusty with everything else I'm using. "This week" probably isn't feasible, but I'll do what I can to have it out by the end of next week. I'll post it here when I do.
Thanks for all the advice. It's definitely appreciated, especially now that I've spent the last hour explaining my deficiencies to HN.
i agree. not only that, there are so many beautiful feelings to be found within the realm of "sadness". and don't let that emotional pain be a barrier to you experiencing meaningful things that'll help you grow.
I second this advice! In every experience there is opportunity for insight - especially those in which we feel that we failed. I will encourage you to spend some time considering your strengths. In my day job, I am a therapist/coach and am happy to have an email exchange with you if you want in an effort to help you think about your future and what you want it to look like. A number of people have payed it forward to me and I am happy to do it for you! email me at leslyn@uencounter.me
The more doors you close the harder it'll be to motivate yourself. Many single mothers taking care of kids who need fathers.
Also, you don't need to love yourself to love others. Some will say to fix yourself before you pursue a relationship but maybe being in one will motivate you because you'll have something to preserve.
Finally, be compassionate to the parts of yourself that are hurting right now.
Karen Faith - How to talk to the worst parts of yourself https://youtu.be/gUV5DJb6KGs
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