I understand how it can come out that way, but I didn't read it that way. He's genuinely trying to straddle the fine line between being honest about recognizing where he is and how he's perceived while simultaneously acknowledging his accomplishments. It's not easy to walk that line. I see the author coming from a humbled, almost despairing perspective. That _despite_ his accomplishments, which he lists for emphasis, he's not happy.
"I am so awesome that when I don't get what I want it hurts because I'm used to getting what I want."
I have tried in sports and in other areas of life to win and be awesome and it does sting when you come up just short. I've failed so much that it's easier for me to accept it now. What other choice do I have? Get debilitatingly bitter over things? That's not productive.
The way he writes about it doesn't sound right to me. Did he write one big long humblebrag?
Just skimming to two parts in the second to last paragraph, these two sentences, "I am often desperately looking inward to find the strength to go on", and "Accepting a constant stream of low quality things for most of my life, including interactions with other people, only contributed to the way my life has gone and the way I feel now" were really striking to the author's day-to-day. It sounds like he' struggling to doing what he needs to do and they're content with the way this is. We should want more for ourselves and for our relationships to have meaning.
> A person ought to believe they can do great things.
I think there's pressure on us to think this, but I find that the older I get the happier I am moving away from this idea. I've accomplished a lot in my life and at the end of the day it doesn't bring me satisfaction. What brings me satisfaction is being able to sit quietly with peace of mind and be content with just being.
The desire to do "great things" is paired with an existential anxiety that I don't think is healthy. And not to be political, but often "great things" mean accomplishments that don't correctly model externalities like environmental damage and human exploitation.
"I want to die remembering my pranks, and the fun I had, and funny jokes. I decided that life, for me, was not about accomplishment. It was about happiness."
Dont get me wrong -- I genuinely agree with this.
However, such comment means little when you have achieved an (unusual) high level of success. You have experienced something the vast majority does not.
To be in a position when you will be thankful taking your last breath around your close family, but will be mourned ALL OVER THE WORLD... and be remembered in the computer industry alongside Fred Brooks, Ken Thompson, Steve Jobs, etc... not to mention others (when they pass) like Linus Torvolds, John Carmack, Brian Keringhan... to name a few!
In the back of his mind he know this. He is just letting nature run with this, while focusing on family. He has acheived a lot and I respect that.
Not trying to be cheeky, but that you understand immediately that I’m not talking about happiness here tells you that success =/= happiness. We can argue over what we should consider successful, but in the context of what Sam Altman is saying it’s unproductive: we all know Sam is talking about professional success, and most of us also know there is more to life than professional success, but we (collectively) have been so burned out (either by not achieving it, or by missing out in our lives achieving it) chasing after professional success that have a knee jerk reaction to anyone talking about it.
I also think it’s presumptuous of us to think Sam and whoever else did pursue success ambitiously are not happy - everyone’s definition of happiness is their own.
> Also, I can't relate to feelings of shame or inadequacy because someone has something good happening to them. If anything, it motivates me to achieve the same.
Those two aspects feel like they are opposing one another. On the one hand, you claim to never feel inadequate, yet when you see others achieving something you haven't yet achieved you claim it motivates you to achieve the same. How is it that you feel adequately achieved in some area yet another's greater success motivates you to achieve more? Most people I know would label that feeling "inadequacy". They don't yet have something they want and strive to get it.
I think the way you label these emotions is unique relative to everyone else I've meet. You're the first person who can't relate to feeling inadequacy yet at the same time feels motivated by things others have achieved.
You’re missing the even broader context. The article is explicitly discussing “happiness” and why the author isn’t happy despite being “successful” by traditional measures.
Further, some of the issue is with the imprecise definition of “happy”. The modern use of the term can be used interchangeably. What causes someone to be hedonically happy may make them eudaimonically unhappy. So IMO it’s completely warranted to have further discussion to either define the definition or bring into question if someone is chasing the right goal for them. Saying what is tantamount to “I’m not willing to discuss this” facilitates none of that.
>This is all I ever wanted. And why the fuck am I so unfucking unhappy? It - It doesn’t make any sense. You know what I mean? Because, like, this is literally my fucking dream. And I’m fucking so unfucking happy. It doesn’t make any fucking sense. It’s so stupid. It is so stupid.
I think that most people who judge themselves by their accomplishments will run into this at some point. You'll get there, only to find out that there is no 'there' there.
Philanthropy seems like it might help. It can feel fundamentally impossible to be happy or content, when you mix a demanding always-on schedule with the very human desire to always be looking for more. But we also live in a world where many people never even have the opportunity to pursue happiness, and what about their hopes and dreams?
It is vicariously rewarding to see someone else learn how to do something and get excited by their newfound talent. And every hour of your time that you donate is an hour that you don't have to spend under the pressures of your audience or your thoughts.
That's how I read it. "I and my millions of dollars and world class team only came in second in an extremely competitive race, and I want everyone to know how that was a wake up call for me to not be so ambitious, because ambition can be poisonous. So here are some other philosophical writings about how to be happy with what you have and not be ambitious."
I don't think the author understands how extraordinary his life is. His complaint is essentially that there's nothing satisfying on his trello board? That's a great problem to have.
It's a good thing he has clean water, an education, an aptitude and the opportunity to participate in the upper echelons of a technological revolution. He isn't living under war, famine or a communist dystopia where his options would be far more limited. He's in relatively good health and perhaps he hasn't yet suffered the extraordinary personal losses we'll all face as our loved ones grow old, sick and die. It's a good time for him.
It's a fallacy to extrapolate one's mental state to the entire nation.
We are living under the greatest conditions in all of human history. If you can't be satisfied here then by all means go on a soul searching adventure and figure yourself out. It's your journey, it's your time on Earth and it's literally never been better.
> But is that what you want? In your 40s or 50s, ignored life's other pleasures, maybe never had a family, or haven't spent enough time with them, can't remember the last time you really relaxed, but boy, you've accomplished extraordinary things?
What's wrong with that? The first half of your comment is insightful, but is it really that hard to believe that maybe some people do derive satisfaction from accomplishment?
> The idea that I "deserve" success, and to be happy, is something I've heard repeated many times but have always struggled comprehending. I think to myself, well, why do I deserve it? Just for being alive?
It’s some kind of self suggestion or fake it till you make it towards oneself. I myself think more in line with your reasoning and have trouble claiming that success unless there’s a lot of hard work involved or just a big dose of luck.
> Going forward, we collectively need to recognize and celebrate these people who know when they have enough for a good life.
I see where you are coming from, but that's exactly missing the point. The article is about somebody who wouldn't have wanted to be celebrated by you. Who just wanted to live his life, out of the spotlight. By elevating him and his live to celebration status, that's the oppposite of what he would have wanted. Recognize, sure. A nod in passing, then move on.
"I'm really impatient to achieve big things. It's like I need to in order to justify my existence. "
First, you are a human being, whose worth is not tied to how much money you have, how fancy CV you have or how high grades you have. You are valuable and precious just as you are. You might be a bit lost, and that's ok, most of us are at one time or another.
I'm writing this as a person who felt maybe just as bad as you did at your age.
I don't want to hurt your feelings but "Achieving big things" is not a life goal. It's a posthumous statement in an obituary. And a lot of people who are described as achieving big things actually felt they failed miserably.
Take, for instance Ghandi - he had pretty radical goals in terms of India and he felt he failed most of them. His tactic of non-violence and a fantastically successful publicity campaign of personality cult got him in to the history books for good but as for the goals he drove - a perpetually rural, united india - did not really happen (and I think it was a good thing too). And most of the hype around him was due to other people choosing to idolize him - not him, himself, doing a shitload of extravagant extraordinary work.
Your friends, by the way? Their fancy internships? You are just trapped in an association loop when idolizing them. You attach a positive value to the brands of the corporations, and by your friends interning there this association leaks to them. Then you recognize you do not have this direct associative link, and feel bad about it. Although - it's all just happening in your mind. You are jealous of their life story. But please recognize - the giants of world history have had mostly pretty shitty and ordinary lives, and are remembered mostly due to a stroke of luck, or, due to a fact that they tenaciously drove towards their own personal goal that for some historical fluke happened to be in synchronicity with the current world events.
Now, how fantastic are your friends actually? Maybe some of them got better grades - so what.
It does not mean they are better than you. It's just that they score higher on a specific arbitrary metric due to their life circumstances and history at this point in time. Arbitrary - because let's face it, large systems are not fair, nor are they designed to be. The system of education, the system of economy, the system of government - they are all fabrications with emergent properties no one can really control exactly.
We are all corks ebbing in the ocean of life. Sometimes the current takes us forward, sometimes not. The thing is, you cannot choose who you are, but, you can daily choose what you do.
"How do I transition to a healthier state of mind and stop feeling worthless?"
I think you might need therapist or meditation for that.
Personally, for me, professionally - I needed to find something that I found was intrinsically motivating. Luckily I did, in computational physics and computer graphics and this gave me intrinsic motivation to play around with things and find stuff out. I'm not hugely successful but I have a good career and feed my family. I would not have had half a good career unless I had found something compelling. I do hope you find something that interests you!
The difference with external and internal motivators is that while both compel you to action, fulfilling external motivators usually suck you energy while internal ones give it to you.
I found Richard Feynmans* self autobiographical writings assuring. While they are an attempt at self-aggrandization at painting an image of "the cleverest person in the room" they also discuss deeply personal matters of death, loss, de-motivation and ways to cope with it. When Feynman felt down, he tried to find something he could find interest in playing with - no matter how silly or trivial. I've followed this same protocol throughout my life and found it a good course when things look bleak. Play!
*"What Do You Care What Other People Think?" and "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!" by Richard Feynman.
I read it as being optimistic that people can shoulder their burdens and work to improve their lot, without dismissing the fact that people do have outsized burdens compared to others. I mean, he talks about his familial issues with chronic depression and his daughter's horrifying medical problems, I can't think of anything more emblematic of "actual struggles".
Sounds like he was rebelling hardcore against an overly restrictive, maybe typical (?), 1st generation immigrant parent background?
"“Ultimately happiness is really just about enjoying life,” he wrote in the 2010 book..."
This is often what you hear from someone who has doesn't have much of a sense of higher calling, or doesn't quite know what to do with his capabilities other than go for satisfaction in the short term. And leaves you feeling empty and unsure of what your life should be when work evaporates as your sense of self?
I've no business commenting on this as I haven't ever suffered a similar sort of trauma, you could argue. However I did start reading this note and found myself strongly flustered at this part:
I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling.
I'm annoyed at how stupid it is. And how, until recently, I wouldn't even have noticed. Let me translate to illustrate:
I desperately wanted to see what was on top of that hill over there. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would find out what is at the top of the hill. But nothing I did made a dent in my knowledge
Wouldn't that be silly? Wouldn't that make you wonder what he was thinking? Wouldn't you say "so go climb the hill. That's what you need to do and that's all you need to do. Forget the distractions. Go over there. Climb the hill as high as you can and keep trying every few days until you build up the fitness to get to the top".
Yet you see the note of the guy and you feel sorry for him and how hard he tried to keep living and how much he struggled and what pain he was in and he missed this concept completely. If you want peace you need to work on peace and why you can't be at peace and changing yourself so you can. If you want to not be haunted you need to work on not being haunted and if you want to be happy you need to work on being happy and how you can be. Not on grad school or weight loss or gym work or anything else. Your life isn't unhappy, your thoughts are unhappy. Don't improve your life, improve your thoughts. It might not work, but the other way cannot work.
If your code isn't working right, you'll never ever ever fix it by going to the gym. You will only stand any chance of fixing it if you look for the bugs in the code that isn't working and out from there. If you have been hurt and can't be happy, you need to work out how to feel happy even though you got hurt. That's it. That mental adjustment is where the bulk of your energy should be going. Learning to change it and trying repeatedly until you succeed.
It's so frustrating to look at it and see him basically saying "I skirted around my problems all my life and suffered horribly, and when they didn't magically go away I decided they were completely unfixable".
You can feel however you like about whatever you like. This definitely extends to feeling good even when bad things happen. Maybe not all bad things, but many. It may not extend to PTSD. What's frustrating is that he believed he was unfixable without any solid basis for that belief - without talking to a single expert, even - then made the biggest and last decision of his life based on this conclusion.
It's not cowardly or morally inferior or anything like that, it's just ... a strategy that stands a low chance of helping.
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